Four Espresso Shots in a Venti Cup

Probably didn’t make a difference – all that coffee. Four espresso shots in that venti cup. I always romanticise that shit. I’m going to drink coffee and feel awake and be able to read and not fall asleep. I’ll be able to make use of the two hours I have between my internship and work and when I get to work I’ll be able to function too. I’ll be alert and awake and not spend the whole shift trying not to fall asleep. This will be great. The hell it is. And now I sound like the people in the book I’m reading for my anthropology class who say goddammit and hell in at least every other sentence, who yell with crusty voices – who always yell – and scream and shout everything.


I’m just trying to finish this damn semester. (There I go again.) And I’m not even supposed to be at work right now. But I really want to get a social work job after I graduate in May, so I think I have to go to this event on Thursday – when I’m really supposed to be working – so I asked to have my shift changed to today. And I’m tired.


But the semester is almost over, so I just need to hang in there, which I think I can do. I mean, I have to. And then there’s next semester and graduation and moving and South Korea and grad school and I don’t even know why I keep thinking about this stuff when it’s so far away. I mean it’s not really far away, but I have pressing matters at hand right now that I really need to pay attention to. But making trouble for myself looks like something I’m good at doing.

No, probably didn’t make much difference – those four espresso shots in that venti cup.

On Next Year

I think I’m mentally preparing myself – either that or I’m just worrying – for the upcoming school year. It’s going to be my last year as an undergraduate student and I think it is going to be the hardest year of my life.

I’m going to be working two part-time jobs while going to school full-time and also interning for 16 hours each week. I have no idea when or how I will find time to do any homework or when I’ll sleep. I imagine myself drained, always drinking coffee which I’ll swear is useless but will drink anyway, and never having time for anything at all outside of the aforementioned. I don’t even think I’ll have time to make social phone calls, not that I do that often anyway. The other day I thought of letting my dad know how busy I was going to be so that he wouldn’t bug me about not calling him.

Today, on my way from one job and to the other, I envisioned myself passed out on the floor of my apartment. I missed work and school and was eventually found by a housemate and then taken to the hospital, after which my family was somehow found out and contacted. The vision goes downhill from there as my father endeavours to compile a list of reasons the incident is my fault.

I know. It’s a bit much. I’ve come to realise lately that my mind goes rather quickly to worst case scenarios.

Still, I really want to get over this year. It’s going to be hard, but at the end of it I’m going to walk across a stage and receive a Bachelor in Social Work degree, which I will accept knowing that I worked my ass off for it. At the end of the year I will have become a stronger person, knowing that I too can suffer hardships in life and overcome them.

Bouncing Thoughts

I have nothing to say and too much to say. A lot going on, but not enough. I’ve been hurt so much, though barely at all and I complain way more than I need to. I don’t know where this is going and I don’t know where I want it to go, but I want it to go somewhere, to go somewhere farther than here. I want it to be something more than just this. Am I talking about this post, or about my life?

I’m drinking a large latte with almond milk and a hazelnut swirl that I bought from Dunkin’ Donuts a little over thirty minutes ago. I felt like nursing a cup of coffee so I went out and got one, and then found it to be too sweet. I wished that I had bought a smaller size, or that I had gotten a caramel swirl instead of hazelnut, but I’ve been drinking the latte anyway.

In forty minutes I’ll be leaving work and I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do yet. I want to get two rolls of quarters so that I can do my laundry. I want to buy a dish drainer for the kitchen because as of today, there is none. I also want to buy two curtain rods because I finally bought curtains and I want to hang them up in my room. Oh, and I want something for my walls, or for wall. I’ve never wanted anything on my walls before. Not that I was thinking of getting that today, but I do want to get that.

Should I be worrying about money right now? I just came back from visiting my cousins in Florida and that trip cost a couple of dollars. I’m thinking – I’m going to Jamaica next month and that won’t be cheap either, though it will be nowhere near what Florida cost me. (I just spent about three minutes making sure I used the correct past tense of the word cost.)

The temperature of my latte is slowly going down. It’s not doing much to keep me awake. I’m writing though, and that’s always a good thing – unless someone reads your journal without your permission. In that case, I suppose writing is still a good thing. It is simply the act of invasion that is the opposite.

In thirty minutes I’m done with work. I need to make a decision by then. I suppose I don’t have to do anything at all today, but I probably will. When things find a spot in my head, they aren’t usually displaced very easily. My only concern is carrying the things I’ll buy. I’m not particularly fond of baggage.

Seeing Rainbows

Ten minutes before my shift ends, I see a rainbow in the sky. After having tears in my eyes and wanting to let them fall, but stopping myself because I was not alone, I see a rainbow in the sky. After wearily awaiting the end of my shift, because I was annoyed, or irritated, or down or frustrated, whichever one it was, I see a rainbow in the sky. And for some reason I’m excited. I’m smiling broadly, holding my cheeks and commenting on how pretty it is. I haven’t seen a rainbow in a long time, and I can’t believe how much seeing one lifted my spirit. I also can’t believe how much that rainbow has faded since my first look at it.

There are five minutes left in my shift. And I’m leaving early.

This Is a Rant

Well it was supposed to be a rant. I was really fired up when I opened up this page to write, but then time did what it always does and I’ve cooled down since then.

The thing is, a favourite reggae artist of mine is coming to Boston, and I want to go see him. I already bought my ticket to see him…but I may not be able to go. After scouring the internet on and off trying to find a ticket for the $25 I know the tickets were supposed to cost, I finally found one and bought it. I wasn’t scheduled to work at either of my two jobs, so I bought the ticket

…except I was scheduled to work…

Last night, in the last twenty or so minutes of my shift at my new job, and this was a closing shift, I found out that I was scheduled to work for five days this week. That was all fine and dandy, but two of the days were problematic for me. One day, I was scheduled to work almost exactly at the same time I was scheduled for my other job. The other day, I was scheduled to work at a time that would overlap with the time of the concert I’ve been looking forward to for a month now.

Of course I started stressing out immediately. When I applied for this job I had open availability. I had nothing going on. Last week however, my availability changed since I got a work schedule from my first job. Seeing that I’m new at the second job, I haven’t become familiar with everyone there yet, so I didn’t know who I was supposed to go to to make it known that my availability is no longer wide open. Sure, this is my fault. I should have asked around. Here is the part that’s not my fault.

At orientation, which was considered my first day, I had been informed that I should give notice at least two hours in advance if, for some reason, I would not be able to make it in for a shift. I thought that was a bit past the mark since at my other job the requirement is one to two weeks, depending on how much time needs to be taken off. But whatever. I understood that this was an entirely different company and that they had different rules. Fine. Two hours. Here I was though, calling in a whole day before, as I was advised to do, and then being told that the schedule was set in stone and that I needed to find some way to work that out… What??

Panic mode: ON

I call a librarian at my other job and explain the situation and she, much more understandingly, says that it’s okay. Fine. So one day has been taken care of. Now I need to take care of the second day that overlaps with my beloved, and long awaited, concert time. I’m currently at work in the library and I have a half hour break coming up in ten or so minutes. Thankfully, the location of my other job is about ten minutes away by foot, so I’m going to rush over there and see if I can have someone take my shift, and also find out who I need to talk to to make it known that my availability has changed.

Damn it damn it damn it.

WordPress I missed you!

WordPress I have missed you. You all have no idea how much it killed me every time I opened up a page to write and ended up deleting it because of how crappy it was, or how many blog posts just didn’t get written because all of the feeling I had inside myself just couldn’t make itself out safely in words. My own physical journal couldn’t even accept what I had needed to release.

Well, the semester is over, and I am here now. How are you?

First off, let me say that I am moving out! That’s right. I am moving out of my parents’ house. I am going to live on my own in a tiny little room and I’m going to pay rent and utilities, buy groceries, and stay out as late as I want to. And I’m not scared at all. I just got a second job today. Perfect, perfect timing. No school. Two jobs. New place. Really excited. And I have cheerleaders too!  And the weather is finally, finally warming up (that’s New England for you) so I can wear my cute dresses (and shorts) that I bought in Hawaii last January. AND Chronixx, one of my favourite Reggae artists is coming back to Boston this June! I missed him the last time he came. I will be damned if I miss him again (please God don’t let me have to work on that day, PLEASE).

Anyways, I’m really excited about the near future, surprised that I’m not scared, but confident that I’ll be fine.

P.S. It’s great to be back!

Tuesday Afternoon

I’m going to write. Because some guy just pissed me off

>>I keep getting interrupted.

Anyway. This guy in a blue shirt was by the door talking on the phone when I walked in today. I was still in my coat and everything so I didn’t say anything to him. He wouldn’t know that I was an employee here. I didn’t think I looked like one. I left him alone. I went to the bathroom. He was still there when I came back. I still didn’t say anything. I still wasn’t working yet. I still didn’t look like I worked here. By the time I had gone to the back, put my things down, and come back out, he was still there, but he was barely audible amidst the low rumble in the library, so I didn’t say anything to him. Plus I had already passed him twice without saying anything. I thought I would be ineffective if I said anything then. Therefore I didn’t.

After a while there was another patron by the gates talking on the phone. Her we could hear. I didn’t want to say anything just because I wasn’t in the mood, but then a student needed help with the copy machine. I thought it was a great and timely opportunity. I would help her with the copier and I would ask the lady to step outside with the phone call. She was, after all, right there.

I went to help the student, but before I did, I asked the lady to go through the door. I asked the same of the man in the blue shirt, who was still there. The lady apologised and stepped back. I didn’t watch her. The gentleman, in a not gentle manner, asked if I could hear his voice. He asked at least two times, maybe three. His voice was raised. My back was turned. I busied myself with helping the student with the copy machine and completely ignored the rude man yelling at me. When I was finished helping the student I turned around and saw that the lady was still inside on the phone. I thought she had gone out. That added to my anger.

I had just come in to work. I had had a low morning and a close to awful night. Why?

>>Oh look, this is good enough to put on my blog.

Oh I forgot one thing. It looks like I really do hold grudges.

There were four of us behind the desk and nothing for me to do, so I decided to take a walk around and push chairs in. The guy was sitting at one of the tables in front and while pushing chairs in I ended up at his table, on his side. He called to me. I asked if he needed help. He said yes. I asked with what. He said it was okay. It look like he finally realised that I work here, like he was trying to make amends for yelling at me. I was professional, but not warm or friendly. I was still upset with him. Whatever that was was not working to appease me.


After my walk around the library I came back to the front and sat at a computer. The man had a phone call again. He went to the same area where he was before. This time I could hear him clearly. The library was quieter and so there was no noise to cover up his voice. I asked someone else to make sure he was outside with the phone. My coworker went and motioned to him that he needed to go outside. He raised his voice again and asked if it could be heard. My coworker told him yes. He then went outside. When he was finished he came back in and said sorry to the inside of the library before he quickly went into the bathroom.

Why I Haven’t Been Blogging Much Lately

I don’t know if it was noticeable or not (maybe nothing really changed and my mind is messed up) but I haven’t been doing much blogging lately. I’ve just put up some stuff so as to not make it seem that I’ve completely abandoned my blog.

There are reasons for this.

Firstly, most of my blogging is usually done at work. At work, I used to have a lot of free time, and it so happened that most of that time was spent sitting in front of a computer. Therefore, I used to blog and write poetry like there was tomorrow, until it was time for me to go home. Things change however, and change they have. Recently, the staff at the library (where I work) have decided that library assistants (that’s me) are no longer going to spending almost all their time at work sitting down doing nothing. Darn it. Now we all have tasks to occupy our work time and apparently the entire library is going to be reformed, I think. Because of this, I no longer have time to sit and blog or write poetry. Poetry pretty much took a back seat after NaPoWriMo anyway. I’m not trying to write it anymore. I’m back to my old way of just letting it come to me or writing when I need emotional release. No more one-a-day.

The second reason for my slump in posting is that I’m lazy. Always have been. While I don’t have time to blog at work, I certainly have time at home since I’m not currently a student and I only have this one part-time job. I have time, trust me. The thing is I spend that time sleeping and watching drama episodes. When necessary, I go to the bathroom or eat, but that’s about it. Oh and there’s cooking and laundry and occasional cleaning that I can’t seem to avoid. I have been writing then. I’ve written several poems. I’ve also thought of putting them up, but I haven’t because I’m too lazy to go to my blog and type them out. I haven’t even written them in my book where I put all my finished poems. They’re all scattered throughout my journal in between my journal entries. I’m just not in the mood.

So there. I’m not dead. Nor am I sick. I’m just lazy, and really immersed in the world of Korean dramas. Oh and can you guess where I am right now? Yup. Work. When I get home I’m going be watching a drama episode; either Angel Eyes or Can You hear My Heart because for some reason episode six of Roommate still isn’t available with English subtitles yet (I just checked). I really don’t know why this is happening to me.