“While I am telling this man I want to live without him I am waiting for him to text me back…”
My mind is in a similar place now. I forgot that he had said he was going out to bring his cousin to her evening college classes. I have to wait for him to get back home, where there’s internet, so we can talk again. I don’t even have anything to talk about.
This is my problem, or our saviour: I want to talk to him; I want to tell him things; I want him to hear me thinking out loud. Even though I can’t say the words “I love you”, I want him to hear me speak.
“But can you replace him as my closest friend though if I work up the courage to end it tonight?”
Except it’d be weird to have my closest friend swapped out for someone else. Except I don’t trust you that much yet. Except I don’t want to have to go over everything with you that he already knows. I’m growing rather tired of bearing myself repeatedly to one person after the other.
“Girl you can hit me up anytime.”
Joy and an aftertaste reminiscent of that hole Christians say everyone has that only God can fill.
* * *
Today he gave me a compliment.
“See, and I like you for that.”
“You like me for what?”
I felt something like a 16 year old who had to tell her mother that she in fact didn’t want to be a ballerina, after her mother had invested money, energy and several years to her classes, recitals and shows.
I rationalised the complimented action, made it look like something I would have done anyway. I know it did nothing to alter his perception.
It’s been about an hour and a half; he hasn’t gotten back yet. There’s a student irritating me because she’s talking on her phone even though I told her twice to take the call outside.
Never mind that. This mindfulness thing, or whatever it is I’m doing, seems to be working for me these days. If no one else has disrupted it thus far, she will not be the one to break the chain.