“While I am telling this man I want to live without him I am waiting for him to text me back…”

My mind is in a similar place now. I forgot that he had said he was going out to bring his cousin to her evening college classes. I have to wait for him to get back home, where there’s internet, so we can talk again. I don’t even have anything to talk about.

This is my problem, or our saviour:  I want to talk to him; I want to tell him things; I want him to hear me thinking out loud. Even though I can’t say the words “I love you”, I want him to hear me speak.

“But can you replace him as my closest friend though if I work up the courage to end it tonight?”

Except it’d be weird to have my closest friend swapped out for someone else. Except I don’t trust you that much yet. Except I don’t want to have to go over everything with you that he already knows. I’m growing rather tired of bearing myself repeatedly to one person after the other.

“Girl you can hit me up anytime.”

Joy and an aftertaste reminiscent of that hole Christians say everyone has that only God can fill.

  *   *   *

Today he gave me a compliment.

“See, and I like you for that.”

“You like me for what?”

I felt something like a 16 year old who had to tell her mother that she in fact didn’t want to be a ballerina, after her mother had invested money, energy and several years to her classes, recitals and shows.

I rationalised the complimented action, made it look like something I would have done anyway. I know it did nothing to alter his perception.

It’s been about an hour and a half; he hasn’t gotten back yet. There’s a student irritating me because she’s talking on her phone even though I told her twice to take the call outside.

Never mind that. This mindfulness thing, or whatever it is I’m doing, seems to be working for me these days. If no one else has disrupted it thus far, she will not be the one to break the chain.


This Will Be A Memory Gone

I’m hoping that this morning is one of the mornings I’ll forget, one of the ones I won’t remember about a few years from now, or even a few months from now. It was one of those mornings where technology failed me yet again and caused me to miss two buses, so that the only way I could get to work on time would be to take a taxi which would cost me way more than two or three dollars.

On my way up the street to catch the second bus, I tried to tell myself that I would be fine, that didn’t I need to make up an excuse or a reason for this, that I would still get to work and I would be fine. Then I saw the bus drive through the intersection, quite a ways in front of me.

My phone had lied to me twice in one morning. I had just about half an hour to get to work and I definitely needed more than that. I didn’t want to call a cab, but I didn’t want to get to work half an hour late. I opened my taxi app and couldn’t get a ride right away because for some reason my debit card was no longer a good enough payment option. I didn’t want to go through the extra step so I opened a second taxi app I have. My debit card wasn’t okay for that company either. I went back to the first app and changed my information, since “updating” what was already there didn’t work the first two times I tried. I got to work with a few minutes to spear, and now I’m here trying to get through a few assignments for school. This is going to be a long and hard year, but a rewarding one, and I hope this morning gets lost in all the work.

Texting the Gospel

“Sorry to ask you this, but is Jesus really first in your life?”… I hissed my teeth and, after looking at the other notification in my lock screen, which was from a game I was certain I did not allow to send me push notifications, I put my phone back inside my pocket.

The message was from an aunt I owed some money. I thought she was going to ask me about that and I was already getting tense just thinking about it, until I saw the “Jesus”.

I really dislike messages like that. I don’t know why she keeps sending me those lately. She probably means well, people who send those messages usually do, but I really don’t like it. I don’t ever read them. I even delete them sometimes. I respond with a smile or something, to acknowledge…I don’t know, the good intentions behind the message, but I wish people would stop sending those to me.

Good News

Everyone! I got my laptop back! It’s working! Apparently there was a virus on it. Now that’s gone. It also has a new operating system, and better virus protection. This comes just in time for the series that I want to write, and I have school in the fall, so I need a working computer. 

Because I haven’t used it for so long it felt weird when I just opened it up but it’s all coming back to me now. Now I can blog whenever I want, and I watch my drama episodes on the big screen! My phone was not working out for me man. I need my episodes big and in my face.

Anyway I was just letting you know that. I did say I would tell you if it started working properly again. Also, for the series, some parts may be done in poetic form. I’ll also try to publish consistently.

Now go enjoy the rest of your Saturday. I’m going to start working on this series. 

Checking In

I just thought I should tell you guys that I haven’t been posting lately because none of the three browsers on my laptop work. I have no idea what the problem is and every solution tried only works for about one night. For now I can only publish poetry from my phone. I need a proper keyboard for longer posts. If I strike it rich and am able to buy a new laptop, then I’ll be sure to let you know. Otherwise I’ll have to stay behind at work to use a computer, and who wants to do that? I mean I have, but I didn’t want to. Anyway, I’m in Florida. We’ll talk.