It’s Not the Wind

I want to think
That water is coming
To my eyes because
Of the wind so violently
Blowing against my face,
But in truth my heart
Is aching, and I can
Feel it, just as real
As a headache.
I’m not squinting
Because of the wind
Either. I’m hoping I
Can start seeing
Differently, that my
Eyes will decide
To side with my head
And let go
Of fairy tales. Reality
Stinks, and isn’t
Nearly as colourful,
But I need to look
At it. I have to
Look at it.

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After 1 a.m.

I hate myself. Same old same old. I could say that the devil is strong. I could say that I’m weak. Both would be true.

I’m sick, of being sick, and moping around about how much I hate reality and my life and how much I don’t want it like this.

I’m tried. I’m not sleeping because of the dramas, but I can’t find anything gripping to read – not that I’m looking hard.

I want to ask for help but I don’t. I don’t want to burden someone else, and I don’t want to say any of it out loud. That will change everything.

At these times I don’t know what to do with myself. Can’t pray, can’t write poetry, can’t sing – haven’t written a song in ages,and nothing’s suitable on my karaoke app. Don’t even know what kind of music I should listen to to go with my mood. Should I go with soft or something hard and fast. Just tried soft and it didn’t work, looking for something else – not finding it.

Sitting on the floor writing because I figure this will be the most comfortable right now. Still switching songs and skipping every single one. If I could dance well from my head I’d turn something up and go for it. Maybe I need to plug my ears with it. That would probably be better.

Penmanship looks like crap. Just switched genres because K-pop wasn’t doing it for me. Chrisette Michele. Cool. Sounds similar to a gospel artist I used to listen to. Used to. Can’t listen to those anymore really.

It’s after 1 a.m. … and I hate myself.

Is This Okay?

Is it okay for me to love you like this?
To think that you’re perfect
While knowing perfectly well
That you may be just as broken and unfulfilled as I am,
Though you smile and laugh and dance around with your friends
Like you’re having the time of your life,
The same way I do?

Is it okay for me to smile when I think about you?
To giggle and cover my face like a teenager with a crush?
Holding distant dreams in my head of meeting you one day?
Knowing full well that I may never leave the ground I stand on,
And my dreams may never replace my reality,
That I may never become brave enough
To send everything to hell
And strike out on my own
To climb the mountain in front of me?

Is it okay for me to be like this?
For me to keep your face in my mind?
For me to love you and cling to you,
Because I don’t want to stand up by myself?

Time

Driven mad by time
I stare blankly
Into space

Wishing my life
Depended on it.

Drooling dreams
And gathering bricks
To add to the pile
On top of my head.

Romance on the screen
Is nice to believe
But I cast my eyes
On my lonely heart,

While the clock keeps ticking
And getting louder
As I lay me down to sleep.

The noise wakes me up
Against my will
But I must
Get a move on
Because keeping still
Will result in my fall
Into time I don’t want,

Though I don’t want
The time I have now,

And so I lament
Deep inside my heart
The moving of time
Continuously forward,

And I curse the creators
Who made me want
A time I could control.