Anything But Strong

Maybe there isn’t anything to say,
But there’s way too much to feel
And it’s too bad there isn’t a dictionary
Embedded inside me
So I could put a name to it all

This conundrum, these convoluted thoughts
That are chasing each other
The way a dog chases after its tail
And the same way it never catches it,
They never reach a conclusion
A solution
Or build a firm resolve to action

It’s a roller coaster –
But a slow one –
Pushing its way through frozen time
And busying yourself
With moving images on screens
And sounds from speakers
Doesn’t make it stop moving
Doesn’t give you an answer

And then you revert
To that old question, thought, whatever:
Who brought you into this
So you could suffer this way?

And you hold your tears in
Because you’re in a public space
And you can’t let the world see you
Being anything but strong.

Aha! Something to Blog About

I found this thing on the blog of my most recent follower. I don’t usually do these and I wasn’t going to because some of it is just beyond my experience, but some of the questions I find interesting and some challenging. Here are 50 Questions from Color Me Clueless.

1. Are you a morning or night person? Definitely night
2. Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods? Neither
3. Ninjas or pirates? …I suppose ninjas
4. Who would you /hate/ spending a day alone with? Why? …I suppose anyone whose views would cause us to constantly argue.
5. Auto bots or Decepticons? I have no idea what these are
6. What was your favorite childhood television program? I suppose Dragon Tales was high up on the list
7. Are you a collector of anything? What? No
8. If you could be any animal, what would you be? An elephant or a dolphin. I just think they’re great.
9. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Teleporting!
10. What is usually your first thought when you wake up? If it’s a day where I have to go to work, I usually want to sleep more. Otherwise, I suppose I want to know what time it is.
11. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? Depends on my mood. Most times it’s something that happened on that day or something I expect will happen the next day.
12. What’s your favorite color? I say purple
13. What’s your favorite animal? Elephant
14. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? I wouldn’t say I believe in it, but I am not opposed to the possibility.
15. Do you believe in ghosts? No.
16. Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)? No. I do however recall really liking Mortal Combat and Need for Speed.
17. You’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? Student loans, a small home if I could, and a trip or two.
18. Have any bad habits? Correcting people’s English – people don’t like that very much
19. Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy? People not expressing themselves clearly, or putting their own selves down.
20. List 3 of your best personality traits: Caring, compassionate, friendly – those are color me clueless’ answers. I’m going to leave them there.
21. List 3 of your worst personality traits: I’m slightly arrogant sometimes, dogmatic, though not terribly harsh, and frustratingly moody.
22. Have any celebrity crushes? Yes! Many. Park Chan Yeol, So Ji Sub, T.O.P and I will stop here.
23. List one thing you wish you could change about yourself: I should speak up for myself more.
24. Any tattoos or piercings? Describe! No.
25. What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Whatever stands out the most. I don’t look for anything in particular.
26. What personality traits do you look for in a partner? Has to be funny. Great if he listens well. I also like when people are helpful.
27. What personality traits do you dislike in a partner? Don’t speak to me as if I’m a child. I cannot stand condescension.
28.  Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years? No. It could happen, but no.
29. Are you mostly a clean or messy person? I like to be clean, but I’m also lazy.
30. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? I suppose back in Jamaica. I don’t know anywhere else.
31. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Obviously South Korea. We know this.
32. List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list: 1)pay off my student loans (they really bug me) 2) Go to South Korea 3) Become fluent in some language besides English 4) Find happiness somehow 5) Like myself a little more
33. Name 1 regret you have: Letting things happen without saying what was on my mind.
34. Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid: playing into the night with the other children in the community
35. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult: I suppose not being nagged by parents (which only works if you don’t live with them).
36. What’s your favorite song of the moment? I suppose “It Won’t Stop” by Sevyn Streeter and Chris Brown
37. What’s your favorite song of all time? “Always and Forever” by Heatwave (love that song!)
38. What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? Anything. I don’t have work the next day, so I don’t have to go to bed early.
39. What’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon? Nothing.
40. Have any hidden talents? No
41. You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal? I have no idea what the green mile is. If this is death or something, then a bowl of cereal. Maybe bread and fried plantains.
42. What would be your dream job? A worker at an elephant orphanage
43. Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love? I don’t know. Money means a lot in this world (unfortunately).
44. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? To have my mother back, to have enough money for everything I need and anything I want, to live in peace.
45. Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why? Obviously, just so I could live without periods.
46. Name one thing not many people know about you: I suppose that I’m not a happy person. For some reason a lot of people think I am.
47. If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? I wanted to change my name to Ashley when I was younger. If anything, what I really want to do is switch my first and middle names.
48. Do you believe in the afterlife? No, but I wish something was there.
49. On the topic of politics, how do you feel about cookies? I don’t have any feelings about cookies. Most of the time they are too sweet and also contain dairy, so I don’t eat them a lot. Cookies that taste good without dairy and a lot of sugar I think are great.
50. Say an answer to an unasked question (without telling us the question!). to go home.

Whew that was long.

Why Is There Always a Christian Version of Something Non-Christian?

No offence. Really. But why is there always a Christian version of something that’s not Christian? Why do Christians feel the need to go out and baptize stuff and make it Christian? Is the world that appealing and is Christianity so lacking that there is nothing within it that can hold the attention of its members?

It’s like we’re all sitting inside a circle, keeping ourselves away from the world while longing after it in our hearts, and because we’re not supposed to long for it, we take it and redecorate it so it’s okay for us to want it and have it. We make it Christian.

I hate stuff like that. Making me have to listen and answer to non-Christians about why we had to go and do that and how it’s not right and how we shouldn’t be mixing with the world and doing what it does.

Sigh.

Debates have been going on about this for a while and, as in any debate, both sides have valid points. I just wish I was left out of it all, but because I have the label Christian on me, everyone who knows me thinks I’m some kind of authority on these things and that they should ask me what I think, because what I think must be so important or awesome or whatever. Meanwhile, in my head I’m just like leave me alone!

 

***I’m going back to work now.

Half Alive

Rotten.
Spoilt to the core
And asking for more
Of what I want.
What will kill me
But make me feel better.
Smell the coffee
And put on a sweater
This weather
Has never
Suited
My kind.
Jackets and ties
Smiles walking with lies.
And I lie
Down
And ask questions
Not to mention
The section of my mind
I’m afraid of.
Don’t even know what to call it.
Always calling me.
Let me sleep.
No.
So I don’t,
And I walk around
Half alive.