Carry Me

I like my eardrums 
Being pounded
By the bass in the music
Coming through my earphones. 
That is a feeling I welcome. 
More than I welcome 
Restlessness at night. 
More than I welcome 
Helplessness when I’m awake. 

I like sound to be silent 
Around me 
And filling,
Engulfing me
And carrying me on waves. 
That feeling of being moved
Is a welcome feeling to me. 
More than I welcome 
Floating in the endless 
Questions I ask myself. 
The endless questions
I ask God.

I like the quiet I find
In music
When it’s loud. 
The stillness I feel 
When I move 
To that strong beat. 

Sitting in the Dark

Yesterday at work while I took my break in the back, the lights went out after a while. A sensor thing. I was sitting in one spot for a while and I guess my movements weren’t large enough so the lights went out. I knew from previous experience that in order to get the lights back on I’d have to get up from where I was sitting and probably take about two steps or wave my hands frantically for about two seconds. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t need the lights anyway.

I was eating oatmeal from a mug and scrolling through my Facebook news feed. A librarian’s office was right in front of me too and light was on in there. It was enough for me to see what I needed to. She was busy though, and she had earphones in. She didn’t notice when the lights went out in the main area where I was. I was surprised then when I suddenly heard her say “Excuse me, but you’re sitting in the dark!” We laughed. She’s funny, so it’s hard not to laugh when she talks. I told her the lights went out. She knew then. She expressed the same thoughts I had about having to move to get them back on. I told her I wasn’t doing that. I was quite fine. She then laughed again and said something like “Okay, because I thought maybe you had some issues you need to discuss.” We laughed again. She had no idea.

I’m sitting in the dark right now. This time on purpose. I just finished writing in my journal, and crying. I turned the lights off in my room because they were too bright and they were offending me for some reason. Music was already playing on my phone and I brought it next to me and used the flashlight from it to see what I was writing. Then I got my earphones, put them in, and turned the volume all the way up. It just wasn’t loud enough and that was offending me too. Now I have the music on full volume without the earphones. I don’t need them anymore.


After 1 a.m.

I hate myself. Same old same old. I could say that the devil is strong. I could say that I’m weak. Both would be true.

I’m sick, of being sick, and moping around about how much I hate reality and my life and how much I don’t want it like this.

I’m tried. I’m not sleeping because of the dramas, but I can’t find anything gripping to read – not that I’m looking hard.

I want to ask for help but I don’t. I don’t want to burden someone else, and I don’t want to say any of it out loud. That will change everything.

At these times I don’t know what to do with myself. Can’t pray, can’t write poetry, can’t sing – haven’t written a song in ages,and nothing’s suitable on my karaoke app. Don’t even know what kind of music I should listen to to go with my mood. Should I go with soft or something hard and fast. Just tried soft and it didn’t work, looking for something else – not finding it.

Sitting on the floor writing because I figure this will be the most comfortable right now. Still switching songs and skipping every single one. If I could dance well from my head I’d turn something up and go for it. Maybe I need to plug my ears with it. That would probably be better.

Penmanship looks like crap. Just switched genres because K-pop wasn’t doing it for me. Chrisette Michele. Cool. Sounds similar to a gospel artist I used to listen to. Used to. Can’t listen to those anymore really.

It’s after 1 a.m. … and I hate myself.

Not Yet

I cried
As I sang to God,
Asking Him to hear
What I was saying
Because I couldn’t talk
To Him
With spoken words,
Not yet.

Wondering how the words
I wrote
So long ago
Were so perfect
For right now.

I closed my book
And hung my head
But I didn’t say anything,
Though there was some movement
In the darkness
Of my mind.

I hope He heard from that,
Because I can’t talk to Him
Not yet.

Easy Skanking

I was called an old soul.
The grandmother
Who knew all the things
From long ago.

I laughed.
I did find it quite funny.
This is the music
My father played
I told them.

That’s what it was.
I smiled.
Yes, that’s what it was.

They let me be after that.
They understood now
Why I got so excited
When Marvin Gaye came on.
When Dennis Brown
Blared through the speakers.
When it was I-Wayne,
Beres Hammond,
Jimmy Cliff,
Cocoa Tea,
Garnett Silk.

Old reggae,
Roots reggae,
Slow reggae.

Soft music
That spoke
To hearts,
Smooth music
That spoke
To mine.