Korean Man, Where Are You?

Monday:
I want to talk to a Korean person so badly. I want to overhear two people talking in Korean and butt in with a surprised look saying “Koren person!” (in Korean). One will answer yes, and I will say hi – in Korean – to which the person will reply, hi – in Korean. I will say nice to meet you – in Korean – and they will stand there flabbergasted, in complete disbelief that this obviously non-Korean person can speak Korean so well. One person will say that to me. Wow. I speak Korean so well. I will say thank you – in Korean – after which one will proceed to say a number of words to me in Korean which I will promptly put and end to, saying – in bad Korean this time – that I actually only know a little Korean. That will put a damper on the whole thing but I will still be glad to have finally run into, and spoken to, a Korean in Korean anyway.

Thursday:
After spotting another cute Asian who wasn’t short, I told my coworker that at least once in my life I must date an Asian. Korean would of course be preferable, but any Asian would do. I need to get over my crush on Asia. Fast. What I could do is become a flight attendant, which I actually kind of looked into the other day, and thereby fulfill my dreams of travelling the world, and going to Asia. Currently in my refrigerator, well I don’t know what’s currently in my refrigerator, but I own six pairs of chopsticks! Five are Japanese, and one is Korean – and it came with the spoon! The long handled spoon. I love that spoon.

Monday again:
Oh gosh darn it. I’m at work and I just happened to hear a bit of Korean come out of a student’s mouth. There was a group of them and they were going for a workshop. Usually after a workshop, there are students who need to come up to the front desk. Good. Maybe, just maybe, I can get to sneak in an an-yeong-ha-se-yo (that’s how you greet someone in Korean). There I was, waiting in ambush, when suddenly I saw the guy on his way out of the library, not even anywhere near me. I stretched my neck trying to look for the girl who was talking to him, and I couldn’t see her anywhere. Well wasn’t that great. Can’t I just talk to a Korean in Korean once? Just one time?

This was written exactly one year ago, with the addition of two or so days. Of course now I have a boyfriend who intends to marry me, so that part about me dating an Asian is kind of on the windowsill. I find this hilarious though because by now this has come true. I have spoken to more than one Korean, male and female, and each time has been an absolute delight. I love the surprise on their faces when they realise I know some Korean and I love love love when they introduce me to other Koreans and inform them that I can speak Korean. It lifts my spirits like nothing else can. It has actually motivated me even more to learn the language as I had put this on a back-burner for a while. Well it’s summer now and I have more time on my hands. I can and should definitely put more time into learning more Korean.

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I’m not the hopeful type. Not optimistic, positive, or any such thing. Of course, it would be preferable for things to turn out the way I want them to, but I don’t think they will, not ever, or at least not any time soon. Now if I study for a test, and I know I studied well, I expect to get a good grade. The expectation I have for my grade depends on how well I know I prepared. There is such a thing as cause and effect. Certain things are bound to happen if certain things happen first. Fine. But let’s say after a certain action was carried out, the expected effect did not take place. In most circumstances, and I am thinking about circumstances that would be important, I don’t do anything. My father would try to get help from some authority figure and make efforts to have the expected effect occur. That’s great, but I just leave things alone.

Example. I was applying for an internship at a hospital but thought that something might get in the way of that. I spoke with the person in charge before doing anything. She said that I would be fine. Good. I apply for the internship, get recommendation letters, write three short paragraphs, wonderful. Only to have her call me and tell me that she has to consider that thing. The same thing she told me not to worry about. I was taken aback by that, but I never reminded her that she had told me it would be fine. I just left it alone. I probably shouldn’t have done that. I probably should have said something, but I didn’t. That internship would have been great. It was paid, and it was full time. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t really want it.

Another example. I’m in love with Korea right now; South Korea. I watch South Korean dramas (currently I’m watching a reality TV show) and I listen to South Korean music. I would absolutely love to go to Seoul (the capital of South Korea) and visit Jeju Island (off the shores of the mainland). I really think it would be great, and it’s actually possible for me to go over there. I think so. I could. But I don’t let that dream fill up too much space in my head because I don’t expect to it to ever materialize. I just leave it to float around in my thoughts.

I don’t know. I don’t think those things are for me. I grew up watching movies and seeing all the awesome things that happened to the characters: finding out that your grandmother is the queen of someplace and that you’re going to be a princess; having the popular guy at school actually fall for you; using physics to compete in figure skating; winning some thing or the other to go to a foreign country. I especially liked true stories, except of course if they were really sad (Lifetime), and I would always imagine my life being turned into a movie. Sometimes I would pretend I was on TV. I would stand in front of the mirror and talk like I was on a talk show or something, and I thought in my head that it would really be nice if these things really did happen. But of course I knew they never would. A lot of people entertain, and promote, the idea that everyone should “dream big”. I think that’s a good idea. Big dreams are nice. But they are still just dreams. Dreams never come true in real life, only on television. I think maybe I watched too much television when I was growing up.

I don’t believe in anything. I don’t have faith in anything. Instead of hoping that things will turn out well, I wait for them to fall apart. Like now. I’m waiting for everything to fall apart.

Is This Okay?

Is it okay for me to love you like this?
To think that you’re perfect
While knowing perfectly well
That you may be just as broken and unfulfilled as I am,
Though you smile and laugh and dance around with your friends
Like you’re having the time of your life,
The same way I do?

Is it okay for me to smile when I think about you?
To giggle and cover my face like a teenager with a crush?
Holding distant dreams in my head of meeting you one day?
Knowing full well that I may never leave the ground I stand on,
And my dreams may never replace my reality,
That I may never become brave enough
To send everything to hell
And strike out on my own
To climb the mountain in front of me?

Is it okay for me to be like this?
For me to keep your face in my mind?
For me to love you and cling to you,
Because I don’t want to stand up by myself?