Last Minute Decisions

I should have brought my journal. I’m so dumb. I’m in Disneyland in Orlando, Florida and I thought I wouldn’t have time to write in it because of all the activities that I’d be doing here. With my luck, or should I say past experience, I should have known that it would have been the opposite instead.

We, my family and I, landed here some time before midnight last night. Of course it took us some time to get all our luggage and leave the airport. We had to go get a car and load our things in there, and then we had to make our way to the resort where we were supposed to stay. Let’s just say I liked the flight better, because then, we all knew where we were going.

We finally got to the place after two in the morning, after which our parents left us in the car to get some information. They left us all starving to go get information. Of course when they got back, my father with his smiling face, I asked if we were getting free food. Free? He asked me. Well then why was he smiling? No not free, but instead of sleeping tonight we were going to go clubbing and kill the night. This was a little joke of his. We actually just went to Denny’s and then Walmart. He was right about the not sleeping part though. We left Walmart some time after 5AM and finally settled down in the resort at six.

While closing the blinds and getting ready to go lie down and sleep, I noticed some blue light coming from underneath. Move the blinds, open the door, and the sun was coming up. I decided I wanted to watch that. I tried to think and I couldn’t recall ever having watched a sunrise so this morning, I did. Well not really since I was on my phone, and at one time I was lying on a chair that hid the view, but I did kind of watch the sun come up, and I took a picture.

Anyway it was quiet outside, on the patio or verandah or whatever you want to call this extra space out here, and I really wanted to write in my journal. I’d been thinking (worrying) a lot for the past few days, and I went to church this past Sabbath and had a nice long chat with a beautiful brother in Christ. Of course that gave me more to think about. Much of it I’d been thinking about already, but that talk just made me dwell on my thoughts a little longer. I talked with a sister too and I was also grateful for that. I was surprised and thankful to realize that adults in the church, especially one who had been in the church for a very long time, were feeling the same way I did. I thought before that no one there did and that I was alone in my struggle or whatever (I don’t like that word).

Oh and last Tuesday I went on my first date. Yay me. The guy goes to church on Sundays, but not every Sunday, just when he feels bad. He believes in God, yadi yadi yada (or however you spell that). Of course I was thinking about him and us and God and feeling guilty and just tired. And I was thinking about myself and God too, like I don’t do that everyday.

All of this is what was going through my head and what I wanted to write down. But I left my journal on purpose after deciding I would bring it with me. Last minute decisions. Tsk tsk. Anyway that’s why I’m writing on here; because I left my journal at home. I knew making this blog would be a good idea.

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I don’t want to feel good. Feeling good is nice, and I like it. But I don’t want to cling to God because I want to feel good; about my self, about life, about anything. I can’t go to God because I need to feel good.

I also don’t want to cling to God because I’m scared: of Him, or of hell. I grew up scared, and now I hate myself because of how fearful I am. God does tell us to fear Him, and we should. But the fear we should have of God should include love and respect. I thought that my fear included love, but it didn’t. I was just afraid. And I had tried to make myself love God. I repeated it until it sounded true, but I know I lied. I was just afraid. I guess God and hell are things that should be feared, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to fear God, and I don’t want to fear hell. I want to make educated decisions, not decisions based on fear. I hate that. I don’t want it.

And these are the times I hate them. And I wonder if I would be like this if I was still a “Christian”. Maybe my beliefs would make me forgive them, or the devil in them, and show them the light of Jesus in me. But was it ever there? I hate them! I hate myself! Why the hell do people’s words always affect me? Why couldn’t I be like those people who don’t care and don’t let anything get to them? Even if I don’t want to, I react to people. I hurt when they speak to me. And I just wish to God I was somewhere else and not here.

After 1 a.m.

I hate myself. Same old same old. I could say that the devil is strong. I could say that I’m weak. Both would be true.

I’m sick, of being sick, and moping around about how much I hate reality and my life and how much I don’t want it like this.

I’m tried. I’m not sleeping because of the dramas, but I can’t find anything gripping to read – not that I’m looking hard.

I want to ask for help but I don’t. I don’t want to burden someone else, and I don’t want to say any of it out loud. That will change everything.

At these times I don’t know what to do with myself. Can’t pray, can’t write poetry, can’t sing – haven’t written a song in ages,and nothing’s suitable on my karaoke app. Don’t even know what kind of music I should listen to to go with my mood. Should I go with soft or something hard and fast. Just tried soft and it didn’t work, looking for something else – not finding it.

Sitting on the floor writing because I figure this will be the most comfortable right now. Still switching songs and skipping every single one. If I could dance well from my head I’d turn something up and go for it. Maybe I need to plug my ears with it. That would probably be better.

Penmanship looks like crap. Just switched genres because K-pop wasn’t doing it for me. Chrisette Michele. Cool. Sounds similar to a gospel artist I used to listen to. Used to. Can’t listen to those anymore really.

It’s after 1 a.m. … and I hate myself.