I’m not the hopeful type. Not optimistic, positive, or any such thing. Of course, it would be preferable for things to turn out the way I want them to, but I don’t think they will, not ever, or at least not any time soon. Now if I study for a test, and I know I studied well, I expect to get a good grade. The expectation I have for my grade depends on how well I know I prepared. There is such a thing as cause and effect. Certain things are bound to happen if certain things happen first. Fine. But let’s say after a certain action was carried out, the expected effect did not take place. In most circumstances, and I am thinking about circumstances that would be important, I don’t do anything. My father would try to get help from some authority figure and make efforts to have the expected effect occur. That’s great, but I just leave things alone.

Example. I was applying for an internship at a hospital but thought that something might get in the way of that. I spoke with the person in charge before doing anything. She said that I would be fine. Good. I apply for the internship, get recommendation letters, write three short paragraphs, wonderful. Only to have her call me and tell me that she has to consider that thing. The same thing she told me not to worry about. I was taken aback by that, but I never reminded her that she had told me it would be fine. I just left it alone. I probably shouldn’t have done that. I probably should have said something, but I didn’t. That internship would have been great. It was paid, and it was full time. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t really want it.

Another example. I’m in love with Korea right now; South Korea. I watch South Korean dramas (currently I’m watching a reality TV show) and I listen to South Korean music. I would absolutely love to go to Seoul (the capital of South Korea) and visit Jeju Island (off the shores of the mainland). I really think it would be great, and it’s actually possible for me to go over there. I think so. I could. But I don’t let that dream fill up too much space in my head because I don’t expect to it to ever materialize. I just leave it to float around in my thoughts.

I don’t know. I don’t think those things are for me. I grew up watching movies and seeing all the awesome things that happened to the characters: finding out that your grandmother is the queen of someplace and that you’re going to be a princess; having the popular guy at school actually fall for you; using physics to compete in figure skating; winning some thing or the other to go to a foreign country. I especially liked true stories, except of course if they were really sad (Lifetime), and I would always imagine my life being turned into a movie. Sometimes I would pretend I was on TV. I would stand in front of the mirror and talk like I was on a talk show or something, and I thought in my head that it would really be nice if these things really did happen. But of course I knew they never would. A lot of people entertain, and promote, the idea that everyone should “dream big”. I think that’s a good idea. Big dreams are nice. But they are still just dreams. Dreams never come true in real life, only on television. I think maybe I watched too much television when I was growing up.

I don’t believe in anything. I don’t have faith in anything. Instead of hoping that things will turn out well, I wait for them to fall apart. Like now. I’m waiting for everything to fall apart.

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Dark Stars

Shooting stars,
Stars in the night sky,
They kill me.

Giving me hope
For nothing.

Lighting me up
And then leaving
Me in darkness
Darker than the one
I inhabited before.

I know they can’t
Really grant wishes,
But I pretended,
And I hoped.

I shouldn’t have.

It broke me,
That shooting star.
The one you saw first.

The one I couldn’t have.

The one
That never belonged to me.