Anything But Strong

Maybe there isn’t anything to say,
But there’s way too much to feel
And it’s too bad there isn’t a dictionary
Embedded inside me
So I could put a name to it all

This conundrum, these convoluted thoughts
That are chasing each other
The way a dog chases after its tail
And the same way it never catches it,
They never reach a conclusion
A solution
Or build a firm resolve to action

It’s a roller coaster –
But a slow one –
Pushing its way through frozen time
And busying yourself
With moving images on screens
And sounds from speakers
Doesn’t make it stop moving
Doesn’t give you an answer

And then you revert
To that old question, thought, whatever:
Who brought you into this
So you could suffer this way?

And you hold your tears in
Because you’re in a public space
And you can’t let the world see you
Being anything but strong.

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Paradox

I am bursting at the seams
With dreams and pain,
With anger, frustration and
Gratefulness.
I think of heaven with disdain
And awe.
I pray to God
And I renounce him.
I make plans for my future
While seeing nothing there.
I walk away from my past,
Backwards.
I sing on top of hills and mountain tops;
The ones I created from my hurt.
I am dying and being born again,
Rising up
From out of my abyss.