I’m going to publish a list for the first time and that is because this particular list is very important. It’s all the things that have me worried right now. I’m not sure how long this list will be because I’m usually worried about several things without even knowing it.
It’s my first real one and it’s long distance and I’m worried that I might be settling and also that I might mess it up and that my dad won’t like him even though I really do. I mean my mom and sisters already know him and I’ve met his mom, and sister, and one of his brothers, and I think two cousins, and one other relative, but he hasn’t met my dad and that has me worried a little. Also it’s long distance. Enough said.
- The whole God/religion thing
Well, as you know, I’m not really into my religion anymore and I don’t really plan on going back. The thing is, even at my age, I’m very impressionable and small things make a big impact on me. The other day I somehow stumbled upon this group on Facebook that was all about astronomy and zodiac signs and Egyptian gods and goddesses and black people being kings and queens and these people really freaked me out. So did these twins I follow on Instagram who claim to be followers of Rastafari but who were doing a yoga thing and talking about mythical and Egyptian gods and I just couldn’t for the life of me understand how Rastafari and ancient Egyptian theology went together. And then there’s Jesus…I’m going to stop here now.
I’m Black and from the Caribbean and currently residing in America. There’s a lot going on here concerning Black people and White people and the history between those races – a history I’m not familiar with and that I’m not sure I want to become familiar with but that I think is my responsibility to know about. I was wondering today if God brought me here to learn about American Black history and do something big here for Black people – very unlikely I know, but you never know, maybe I might surprise myself and do something on a large scale without intending to. Basically I’m just scared right now and a bit confused and I’m feeling small and like I should know more than I do so that I can do something, but I’m scared of finding out what there is to know because then I might have to do something and I really can’t have my conscience riding me any more than it already is. And how do I, as a Black, Caribbean person, relate to people of other racial, ethnic, and geographical backgrounds who have no idea at all what the people of my race go through? How do I talk about it with them? Should I talk about it with them? I don’t, because I don’t know how. I don’t know how they’ll take it. I don’t think they’ll understand. I think it will just be really uncomfortable and so when I want to talk about these things I have to wait until I’m in the company of Black people, and only Black people, which is also not very comfortable. Again, I’ll stop now.
I want to stay in school – no not really, but I want more than one masters degree. I want to learn and do a lot of things and it really helps if I receive formal education in those things. The thing is I don’t have a great storage room somewhere filled with money that can finance all of this and I don’t particularly like the idea of being buried in loans after I finish all this learning that I want to do… So that’s that. I might not do it because, okay it’s highly likely that I won’t do this because of the lack of finances, which will also inhibit my trip to Europe, and Korea.
Okay the list was not as long as I thought it would be, but it’s a pretty comprehensive list which has very much to do with the very low moods I’ve been experiencing lately. Added to this is the always present I should exercise more and eat healthier thing, take better care of my hair and skin, read more bla bla bla.
So how’s your night going?