oxytocin

clocks that work
smiles that are genuine

i lower my head
and concentrate
on the discomfort
around my right temple

tea

it’s not quite doing the trick,
but i drink it anyway
because i’ve told myself
that it will work.

i talked about my father today.

i drank with him two weeks ago.

my forehead.
the discomfort has moved there now.
i’m still drinking the tea.

oxytocin.
one person.
a friend.

i still can’t believe my mother is dead.
life is a shit hole.

i don’t have enough money to get out of it yet,
but i dream about the days when i will be out

up

away

smiling.

there will be pictures
and languages,
i will feel good.

when i’m not away,
i’ll do work that i love.
i will not dread each day as it begins

and in all this loving and seeing
and colour,
maybe i’ll find a clock that works
and smiles that are genuine
from one person.
a friend.

Just one time

The things I never believed in
Mock me now
As I long for their company,
Wishing they were real,
Knowing they’re not.

They laugh at my longing for them
And I listen in silence,
Knowing I still don’t believe,
Yet wanting them to embrace me.

Just one time.

Because breathing is all I can do, I exhale and inhale through my tears, forcing myself not to think because combining problems won’t fix any of them and let’s not make this cry about everything wrong in my life. She is gone. It is unbelievable, but she is. And you did get lost today because you didn’t get enough sleep and you felt like a failure and you wanted attention from somewhere and couldn’t get it. Because the internet is not a person and notifications aren’t hugs.

It is okay that you forgot your class, because messing up five percent of your grade will not prove detrimental to your future or your well-being. You feel like you can’t keep track of everything at work, but it’s not your fault the office is understaffed and you are human. Please don’t beat yourself up.

She is gone, my love. And she loved you while she was here with all she had. Do the same, to yourself.

Please.

Love your body. It is the only one you have.

Floating on Emptiness

I pound against the doors of time
And beg them to release me.
Why did they lock me in here
When did they lock me in here
When will I be let go

Into the darkness
From whence I came –
Free from memories
And want
And love
And hurt
And desperation.

I float on my emptiness
And wait to be swallowed up
By this great vacancy
Which I’ve been allowed to occupy.

I wrestle with my ambitions
And my knowledge
And I fight and give up
Side by side.

“What’s the use?”
I ask myself.
“There will be nothing
When this is over
The same way there was nothing before.”

I release my breath
And sink into myself.
“Endure,” I say
“It will all be over soon.”

Awake

It’s death again, and my life, and what I’m to do with it. My long distance relationship and when and how I’ll find out what love is. How long I’ll live. How long my father will live. How things were before I was here. How they will change after. Why I was even born in the first place. Why I am being made to deal with this. Why there isn’t forever. Whether or not there really is anything afterwards. 

It’s 3:47 am and I’m awake thinking about these things, the same way I do any other time I’m awake. 

Fulfillment, success, happiness. Will I be one of the lucky ones who get to have these things? Or will I be one of the sad ones who never figure anything out, spending their whole lives searching for answers only to not find anything at all?

How many more years until I come to any sort of conclusion? 

15 Hours Before Now

Sometimes I remember again.

The thought enters my mind
and I hold on to it
instead of allowing it to pass.

For a second,
maybe three,
time speeds across my eyes.

My heart sinks.
It feels as if someone has tugged hard
on a string attached to it,
the way a truck driver would
sound his horn.

My body follows suit, quickly descending
as if it is being pulled into a well of water,
but just before my nostrils
go beneath the surface

I stop.

I mentally shake my head.
I throw the thought away.
I have to,
otherwise this paralysing fear
will spread through my being.

I release the breath
I had sucked in
three seconds before.

I sit upright.
I take another breath
and release it.

This is unproductive.
It will do me no good.
I will eventually die.
I don’t know when.
I cannot change this.
I will never be able to.

Continue to breathe.
Leave death alone.
It will come in due time.

Do not ask questions.
There is no one to tell you
why you were put here.

For now go home and sleep.
You have a long day tomorrow.

womanwater

Waves rush
To lap at my shores.
I run, wanting
Not to be eroded –
My hard shell
So long in the making.

I am overtaken;
My airways suddenly
Blocked with grief
And regret.

I search myself
For answers,
A way out;
There is nothing
But paralysing fear.

My feet kick,
My arms flail,
I lash my head
From side to side.
My locks weave around my face.

This is it,
I tell myself.
This is the end
I always knew would come.

My limbs grow tired.
They stop their resistance.
I try again
For one last breath –
There is nothing.
I focus my eyes
On the sun
Far above the surface.
I look
Until I can no longer see.