“While I am telling this man I want to live without him I am waiting for him to text me back…”

My mind is in a similar place now. I forgot that he had said he was going out to bring his cousin to her evening college classes. I have to wait for him to get back home, where there’s internet, so we can talk again. I don’t even have anything to talk about.

This is my problem, or our saviour:  I want to talk to him; I want to tell him things; I want him to hear me thinking out loud. Even though I can’t say the words “I love you”, I want him to hear me speak.

“But can you replace him as my closest friend though if I work up the courage to end it tonight?”

Except it’d be weird to have my closest friend swapped out for someone else. Except I don’t trust you that much yet. Except I don’t want to have to go over everything with you that he already knows. I’m growing rather tired of bearing myself repeatedly to one person after the other.

“Girl you can hit me up anytime.”

Joy and an aftertaste reminiscent of that hole Christians say everyone has that only God can fill.

  *   *   *

Today he gave me a compliment.

“See, and I like you for that.”

“You like me for what?”

I felt something like a 16 year old who had to tell her mother that she in fact didn’t want to be a ballerina, after her mother had invested money, energy and several years to her classes, recitals and shows.

I rationalised the complimented action, made it look like something I would have done anyway. I know it did nothing to alter his perception.

It’s been about an hour and a half; he hasn’t gotten back yet. There’s a student irritating me because she’s talking on her phone even though I told her twice to take the call outside.

Never mind that. This mindfulness thing, or whatever it is I’m doing, seems to be working for me these days. If no one else has disrupted it thus far, she will not be the one to break the chain.

Maybe it’s not that I like, or feel comfortable, talking about myself, but that I have a need to be heard – because I never am. Because, for some reason, my words are always cast off, never heeded or considered worthy enough to pay attention to. Maybe I am inappropriately taking advantage of opportunities to share stories about myself, trying to use that as some form of therapy, because I can’t appropriately express these things to whom they do concern (translate – because I’m unreasonably scared out of my mind to even bring these things up) and because it’s too much trouble to actually seek therapy (and maybe I want to be strong and slowly take care of things by myself even though I’ve wanted actual therapy for years).

I know. I know I shouldn’t go around talking about stuff. I know I should talk to the people who are making me crazy in the first place. From experience, I know that talking about problems with third parties don’t make them go away and whatever relief they provide is extremely temporary. I should stop being a coward and speak my mind and let people know when they do things that bother me or seriously stress me out or genuinely make me upset, even if those people happen to be family members that I live with, even if those people were involved with my conception, even if those people pay the bills for the home that I live in.

I’m doing it again.

One, Two, Three

Several things:

One way or the other, my father is going to have to get used to texting, because phone calls just can’t always happen. Texting is way more convenient for me and they ease my unsettled heart. I know that I’m probably getting anxious for nothing, but I really do get nervous when I know I have to talk to him. Therefore, I prefer not to. Just text me back daddy. Don’t call me.

Okay so I messed up with the Korean guy. He probably thinks I want to date him when I’m really only interested in learning from him. I got a little too excited. My bad. I’m sorry if I offended him. I’ve actually withdrawn a bit from all things Korean and I wondered if I should take a break, but I’ve decided that would be foolish of me. It is full time I stop letting other people influence me that way. One small misunderstanding like that should not make me give up learning Korean (even temporarily) and my dream of actually visiting the country the one day. Come on girl.

God. He’s been crossing my mind lately. Or maybe it’s just religion. Should I really go seeking after it again, or should I just take things one day at a time? I don’t really have a stance when it comes to religion. I used to follow one. I don’t anymore. But I’m not atheist…

And my mother. I miss her. I wish she were here.

Texting the Gospel

“Sorry to ask you this, but is Jesus really first in your life?”… I hissed my teeth and, after looking at the other notification in my lock screen, which was from a game I was certain I did not allow to send me push notifications, I put my phone back inside my pocket.

The message was from an aunt I owed some money. I thought she was going to ask me about that and I was already getting tense just thinking about it, until I saw the “Jesus”.

I really dislike messages like that. I don’t know why she keeps sending me those lately. She probably means well, people who send those messages usually do, but I really don’t like it. I don’t ever read them. I even delete them sometimes. I respond with a smile or something, to acknowledge…I don’t know, the good intentions behind the message, but I wish people would stop sending those to me.