Floating on Emptiness

I pound against the doors of time
And beg them to release me.
Why did they lock me in here
When did they lock me in here
When will I be let go

Into the darkness
From whence I came –
Free from memories
And want
And love
And hurt
And desperation.

I float on my emptiness
And wait to be swallowed up
By this great vacancy
Which I’ve been allowed to occupy.

I wrestle with my ambitions
And my knowledge
And I fight and give up
Side by side.

“What’s the use?”
I ask myself.
“There will be nothing
When this is over
The same way there was nothing before.”

I release my breath
And sink into myself.
“Endure,” I say
“It will all be over soon.”

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Unbothered

My fingers smell like chicken. I just finished eating the biggest salad of my life. He was on the phone, but not saying anything (the usual) while I carried on a conversation with a dear coworker I don’t get to see often. He sounded fine, the way he usually does after riling me up for what I think is no reason at all.

No reason at all. That’s the way it usually seems to the other person, doesn’t it? It’s never understood, where “all this” is coming from and what the purpose of it is.

Love. Tina Turner. What does it have to do with anything really?

I was thinking earlier today that maybe my love is just different. Either that or I am incapable of loving others which makes me a cold-hearted or heartless human being, which I am completely fine with. Even without the ability to love, I know what I possess the ability to empathize and to feel compassion for others. I know that I care about people and that is enough for me.

I’m on google now. I’m looking up the word love – who would’ve thought?
n. an intense feeling of deep affection
v. feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)

I look at all the synonyms: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment. Care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be devoted to, dote on, idolize, worship.

Scratch the last few off; I don’t have such regard for anyone. Everything else seems just about right though.

Just to make sure, I look up affection.
n. a gentle feeling of fondness or liking

Fondness
n. affection or liking for someone or something

What’s the problem? I have all of these. I care for him, want him to be in good health, to eat and rest well, to he happy and successful. I want this for everyone. The only thing I lack is an emotional high, which one can’t be in for an ongoing period – unless drugs are involved – and those moments do come and go, so again, what’s the problem?

I’m impassive a lot of the time.
n. not feeling or showing emotion

I don’t mind that, at all. It means I can care for you deeply, but won’t fall into a wreck if one day you are not a part of my life anymore. I’m fine with that. I don’t want to think that my sanity or emotional well-being is dependent on any one person outside of myself. I have enough trouble trying not to live off of society’s approval.

The bottom line is that maybe I love you. Maybe I don’t. I’m fine with you in my life and I’m fine with you not in my life. Either way I’m unperturbed.  I think this is a good thing. You know, self-preservation? It will help me to keep going in instances where I might become crippled.

But whatever. What do I know?

 

“While I am telling this man I want to live without him I am waiting for him to text me back…”

My mind is in a similar place now. I forgot that he had said he was going out to bring his cousin to her evening college classes. I have to wait for him to get back home, where there’s internet, so we can talk again. I don’t even have anything to talk about.

This is my problem, or our saviour:  I want to talk to him; I want to tell him things; I want him to hear me thinking out loud. Even though I can’t say the words “I love you”, I want him to hear me speak.

“But can you replace him as my closest friend though if I work up the courage to end it tonight?”

Except it’d be weird to have my closest friend swapped out for someone else. Except I don’t trust you that much yet. Except I don’t want to have to go over everything with you that he already knows. I’m growing rather tired of bearing myself repeatedly to one person after the other.

“Girl you can hit me up anytime.”

Joy and an aftertaste reminiscent of that hole Christians say everyone has that only God can fill.

  *   *   *

Today he gave me a compliment.

“See, and I like you for that.”

“You like me for what?”

I felt something like a 16 year old who had to tell her mother that she in fact didn’t want to be a ballerina, after her mother had invested money, energy and several years to her classes, recitals and shows.

I rationalised the complimented action, made it look like something I would have done anyway. I know it did nothing to alter his perception.

It’s been about an hour and a half; he hasn’t gotten back yet. There’s a student irritating me because she’s talking on her phone even though I told her twice to take the call outside.

Never mind that. This mindfulness thing, or whatever it is I’m doing, seems to be working for me these days. If no one else has disrupted it thus far, she will not be the one to break the chain.

Love or Languish

I don’t consider myself a people person, but I think they think I love them. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Maybe it doesn’t really matter. Maybe I should stop being so vague. Maybe I should be direct and say when things rub me the wrong way. Maybe I really don’t need to kiss anyone’s ass, because asses are for sitting on and shitting out of and not for my lips to touch in any way.

Maybe I’m too lazy. Maybe I should keep my guard up and stop making myself vulnerable because I cannot be bothered to stand watch. Because the truth is, people are complex and whatever side of a person you are shown is not the entirety of who that person is. In efforts to protect myself, maybe I should not believe what I see to be all that is. Maybe I shouldn’t show as much of myself as I get the chance to. No one needs to know all the things I disclose about myself.

But how then do I satisfy the craving for human affection?

 

there is always something to cry for

and that is everything that is wrong with this world. there is always another cause another group another injustice another wrong, something else to fight for, mourn or grieve over, something else to argue or cry about.

one thing i have come to realise lately is how steadfastly people hold on to their beliefs. sometimes people are able to listen to the other side of an argument and understand the perspective it is coming from. they are able to add to their understanding of a particular issue and appreciate why others may be so very fearful, or supportive, of said issue. not everyone is able to do this and this may be why the human race is not progressing at a faster pace. not to say that we should be going at lightning speed, but more needs to be done – a lot more. i’m sure you will agree.

this is where listening comes into play – listening with the intention of understanding the story being told from the perspective of the storyteller. sometimes we hear words that ignite in us flames of anger. we are moved to retort in harsh language and, sometimes, violence. all this ever serves to do is create division and perpetuate it over time.

i think people these days are too used to their own stories – their own cultural narratives. they grew up only ever experiencing the same small pieces of the world and so became unaware of how truly large the world is. i can certainly understanding being afraid of things upon first encounter. i find that is a natural response for me. however, after initial reaction, as human beings with will and intention, it is of utmost importance for us to make an effort to understand the things with which we interact.

it is so very tiring, trying to explain to some folks why it is incorrect to call a group of people by a name they shun, simply because it is incorrect to use the name as such in the language. it is also tiring to try and tell people that even if they don’t believe in something, it is not their place to try and make it so that other people, who don’t share these beliefs, have to live by laws that force them to live by these beliefs.

i can never for the life of me understand why everyone does not live by the golden rule. it is of no consequence what one’s faith is or how strong it is, if it does exist. as a human being with emotions that can be hurt and with experience that allows me to empathize with having one’s emotions hurt, i try as much as i can to put myself in the shoes of others and thereby understand their thoughts and actions.

if this kind of attitude was adopted by, or inherent in, all of us, there is no way, i think, that men could rape, abuse, assault, or kill children. every one of us alive came here from the womb of a woman. it is incomprehensible that men make businesses out of bodies that gave them life, that they maim and kill these bodies, that they tarnish the souls within them. i am not able to understand how men kill each other and how communities stay silent about it. incorrect. i do understand. it is fear at play again. fear and the feeling of being small and alone.

and because this fear is so strong and we do not have the privilege of a second life to try again in case we lose this one to bravery, we remain silent, complacent, with our ears and eyes partially closed.

however, little by little, steps are being taken to understand, to educate, and to create new ways to go about doing things. people are reaching out and making change, helping others and bringing the world a step farther into the future. but while all of this is happening, there are still those of us who do not want to hear, do not want to listen, do not want to understand, do not want, even, to move. and it is because of us who are in this group that the list of things we have to fight for and grieve over and cry about never seems to be getting shorter.

lgbtqia folks fight for what they want to live freely and equally, as much as possible, in the society they inhabit. blacks/africans do the same. so do women. people fight on behalf of refugees. they fight for young girls being trafficked. they try to help veterans, the disabled, the poor. and all the while there are people crying for their loved ones who are killed inhumanely and unjustly, while begging, hoping and praying for the criminals to be appropriately punished.

at every turn there is something else, something else wrong, something else discriminatory, something else unjust, something else wicked. and at every turn are people turning their eyes and ears away, extending no compassion to their fellow human beings.

i grapple with this in my mind all the time, the uncaring nature of man. i can never understand it.

Just My Imagination…

Imagining things again, future things, things that won’t happen, because they’re only in my head. Things like what my father wants to talk to me about. Things like how Thanksgiving will go with his wife. Things like how I’ll feel when I see my boyfriend. Things like how my life will unfold, how the world will unfold while I’m still on it.

And then the lies. Are you OK? A slow, hesitant nod. One that is accepted. I look happy. It’s because of my period. I should consider therapy. I shouldn’t waste my money. Why not? I throw enough of it away on makeup that doesn’t suit me.

And so I sit in my thoughts, thinking and imagining and wondering when it will all be over, wishing it had never begun, wishing I could fix it, wishing I could do something. But, no. Apparently this is what life is.

Aha! Something to Blog About

I found this thing on the blog of my most recent follower. I don’t usually do these and I wasn’t going to because some of it is just beyond my experience, but some of the questions I find interesting and some challenging. Here are 50 Questions from Color Me Clueless.

1. Are you a morning or night person? Definitely night
2. Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods? Neither
3. Ninjas or pirates? …I suppose ninjas
4. Who would you /hate/ spending a day alone with? Why? …I suppose anyone whose views would cause us to constantly argue.
5. Auto bots or Decepticons? I have no idea what these are
6. What was your favorite childhood television program? I suppose Dragon Tales was high up on the list
7. Are you a collector of anything? What? No
8. If you could be any animal, what would you be? An elephant or a dolphin. I just think they’re great.
9. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Teleporting!
10. What is usually your first thought when you wake up? If it’s a day where I have to go to work, I usually want to sleep more. Otherwise, I suppose I want to know what time it is.
11. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? Depends on my mood. Most times it’s something that happened on that day or something I expect will happen the next day.
12. What’s your favorite color? I say purple
13. What’s your favorite animal? Elephant
14. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? I wouldn’t say I believe in it, but I am not opposed to the possibility.
15. Do you believe in ghosts? No.
16. Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)? No. I do however recall really liking Mortal Combat and Need for Speed.
17. You’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? Student loans, a small home if I could, and a trip or two.
18. Have any bad habits? Correcting people’s English – people don’t like that very much
19. Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy? People not expressing themselves clearly, or putting their own selves down.
20. List 3 of your best personality traits: Caring, compassionate, friendly – those are color me clueless’ answers. I’m going to leave them there.
21. List 3 of your worst personality traits: I’m slightly arrogant sometimes, dogmatic, though not terribly harsh, and frustratingly moody.
22. Have any celebrity crushes? Yes! Many. Park Chan Yeol, So Ji Sub, T.O.P and I will stop here.
23. List one thing you wish you could change about yourself: I should speak up for myself more.
24. Any tattoos or piercings? Describe! No.
25. What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Whatever stands out the most. I don’t look for anything in particular.
26. What personality traits do you look for in a partner? Has to be funny. Great if he listens well. I also like when people are helpful.
27. What personality traits do you dislike in a partner? Don’t speak to me as if I’m a child. I cannot stand condescension.
28.  Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years? No. It could happen, but no.
29. Are you mostly a clean or messy person? I like to be clean, but I’m also lazy.
30. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? I suppose back in Jamaica. I don’t know anywhere else.
31. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Obviously South Korea. We know this.
32. List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list: 1)pay off my student loans (they really bug me) 2) Go to South Korea 3) Become fluent in some language besides English 4) Find happiness somehow 5) Like myself a little more
33. Name 1 regret you have: Letting things happen without saying what was on my mind.
34. Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid: playing into the night with the other children in the community
35. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult: I suppose not being nagged by parents (which only works if you don’t live with them).
36. What’s your favorite song of the moment? I suppose “It Won’t Stop” by Sevyn Streeter and Chris Brown
37. What’s your favorite song of all time? “Always and Forever” by Heatwave (love that song!)
38. What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? Anything. I don’t have work the next day, so I don’t have to go to bed early.
39. What’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon? Nothing.
40. Have any hidden talents? No
41. You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal? I have no idea what the green mile is. If this is death or something, then a bowl of cereal. Maybe bread and fried plantains.
42. What would be your dream job? A worker at an elephant orphanage
43. Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love? I don’t know. Money means a lot in this world (unfortunately).
44. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? To have my mother back, to have enough money for everything I need and anything I want, to live in peace.
45. Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why? Obviously, just so I could live without periods.
46. Name one thing not many people know about you: I suppose that I’m not a happy person. For some reason a lot of people think I am.
47. If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? I wanted to change my name to Ashley when I was younger. If anything, what I really want to do is switch my first and middle names.
48. Do you believe in the afterlife? No, but I wish something was there.
49. On the topic of politics, how do you feel about cookies? I don’t have any feelings about cookies. Most of the time they are too sweet and also contain dairy, so I don’t eat them a lot. Cookies that taste good without dairy and a lot of sugar I think are great.
50. Say an answer to an unasked question (without telling us the question!). to go home.

Whew that was long.