Hulu

I realise I’m alone in the world
As I lie on my right side
And feel my heart beat
While the light
From my scented candle
Flickers against the far wall.

I’m sick.
And this time I have chosen to rest.
Remedies, natural and otherwise,
Have not worked in the past.

I yearn for a body to hold
And realise there isn’t one
I can bring near me.

I keep watching Hulu.
What else is there to do?

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She’s on the rooftop again, amidst the sheets blowing in the wind. They’re gray this time. Dark. Everywhere is dark. She’s the only one there. The man in the white suit is nowhere to be seen. Her hair is loose. So is her dress. She’s barefooted. Why is there no one here? Why is there no one here? 

I think it’s strange that people are so polite. I’d prefer if they were sincere, so I could believe them.

When people act like that – polite and nice and smiley – I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know who they are.

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to tell them what made me upset yesterday, or if I can share some sad news I just received.

Can I tell them that I recently realized that I was being bullied in school? Or that I’m scared I’ll end up with someone like my dad because I know girls attract their fathers? I mean I love my father, and I think it would be great if I met someone who was physically similar to him, but I don’t want to be with someone who resembles him in personality. How about that I hate myself? And that I’m only now beginning to think I’m a little bit pretty, or beautiful or whatever? Can I tell them that?

What about questions? Can I ask them questions? Where and how did you grow up? Are you like me?

Probably not right? Thought so. Okay. Never mind then.

I wish we were all open so I could see and not guess all the time. I wish I didn’t have to feel people out, and wonder if it’s okay to reveal myself to them. I wish I understood them, and that they understood me. I hate having to be aloof when I don’t want to be. And I hate others not knowing when to leave me alone because I just need to be alone and for everyone to stop talking. And I wish they knew when I needed them, because I feel so alone in this huge place full of people and I don’t know what to do.

I’m Solitary

I’m solitary.

Wanting love
But never asking
For it.

Building walls
Hoping
Someone
Will break them down.

Reaching out
With my thoughts
Hoping that they’ll he heard,

That someone will pay attention
To this little girl.

Stop calling me a woman.
I’m not half way there.

I have two feet
But they can’t take me anywhere,

Still bound by the laws
That are pushing them forward.

I suppose a woman
Cam take baby steps,
So that’s the way I’ll walk
For now.

Alone on a path
To alleged freedom.