Imagining things again, future things, things that won’t happen, because they’re only in my head. Things like what my father wants to talk to me about. Things like how Thanksgiving will go with his wife. Things like how I’ll feel when I see my boyfriend. Things like how my life will unfold, how the world will unfold while I’m still on it.
And then the lies. Are you OK? A slow, hesitant nod. One that is accepted. I look happy. It’s because of my period. I should consider therapy. I shouldn’t waste my money. Why not? I throw enough of it away on makeup that doesn’t suit me.
And so I sit in my thoughts, thinking and imagining and wondering when it will all be over, wishing it had never begun, wishing I could fix it, wishing I could do something. But, no. Apparently this is what life is.
I found this thing on the blog of my most recent follower. I don’t usually do these and I wasn’t going to because some of it is just beyond my experience, but some of the questions I find interesting and some challenging. Here are 50 Questions from Color Me Clueless.
1. Are you a morning or night person? Definitely night
2. Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods? Neither
3. Ninjas or pirates? …I suppose ninjas
4. Who would you /hate/ spending a day alone with? Why? …I suppose anyone whose views would cause us to constantly argue.
5. Auto bots or Decepticons? I have no idea what these are
6. What was your favorite childhood television program? I suppose Dragon Tales was high up on the list
7. Are you a collector of anything? What? No
8. If you could be any animal, what would you be? An elephant or a dolphin. I just think they’re great.
9. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Teleporting!
10. What is usually your first thought when you wake up? If it’s a day where I have to go to work, I usually want to sleep more. Otherwise, I suppose I want to know what time it is.
11. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? Depends on my mood. Most times it’s something that happened on that day or something I expect will happen the next day.
12. What’s your favorite color? I say purple
13. What’s your favorite animal? Elephant
14. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? I wouldn’t say I believe in it, but I am not opposed to the possibility.
15. Do you believe in ghosts? No.
16. Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)? No. I do however recall really liking Mortal Combat and Need for Speed.
17. You’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? Student loans, a small home if I could, and a trip or two.
18. Have any bad habits? Correcting people’s English – people don’t like that very much
19. Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy? People not expressing themselves clearly, or putting their own selves down.
20. List 3 of your best personality traits: Caring, compassionate, friendly – those are color me clueless’ answers. I’m going to leave them there.
21. List 3 of your worst personality traits: I’m slightly arrogant sometimes, dogmatic, though not terribly harsh, and frustratingly moody.
22. Have any celebrity crushes? Yes! Many. Park Chan Yeol, So Ji Sub, T.O.P and I will stop here.
23. List one thing you wish you could change about yourself: I should speak up for myself more.
24. Any tattoos or piercings? Describe! No.
25. What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Whatever stands out the most. I don’t look for anything in particular.
26. What personality traits do you look for in a partner? Has to be funny. Great if he listens well. I also like when people are helpful.
27. What personality traits do you dislike in a partner? Don’t speak to me as if I’m a child. I cannot stand condescension.
28. Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years? No. It could happen, but no.
29. Are you mostly a clean or messy person? I like to be clean, but I’m also lazy.
30. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? I suppose back in Jamaica. I don’t know anywhere else.
31. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Obviously South Korea. We know this.
32. List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list: 1)pay off my student loans (they really bug me) 2) Go to South Korea 3) Become fluent in some language besides English 4) Find happiness somehow 5) Like myself a little more
33. Name 1 regret you have: Letting things happen without saying what was on my mind.
34. Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid: playing into the night with the other children in the community
35. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult: I suppose not being nagged by parents (which only works if you don’t live with them).
36. What’s your favorite song of the moment? I suppose “It Won’t Stop” by Sevyn Streeter and Chris Brown
37. What’s your favorite song of all time? “Always and Forever” by Heatwave (love that song!)
38. What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? Anything. I don’t have work the next day, so I don’t have to go to bed early.
39. What’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon? Nothing.
40. Have any hidden talents? No
41. You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal? I have no idea what the green mile is. If this is death or something, then a bowl of cereal. Maybe bread and fried plantains.
42. What would be your dream job? A worker at an elephant orphanage
43. Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love? I don’t know. Money means a lot in this world (unfortunately).
44. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? To have my mother back, to have enough money for everything I need and anything I want, to live in peace.
45. Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why? Obviously, just so I could live without periods.
46. Name one thing not many people know about you: I suppose that I’m not a happy person. For some reason a lot of people think I am.
47. If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? I wanted to change my name to Ashley when I was younger. If anything, what I really want to do is switch my first and middle names.
48. Do you believe in the afterlife? No, but I wish something was there.
49. On the topic of politics, how do you feel about cookies? I don’t have any feelings about cookies. Most of the time they are too sweet and also contain dairy, so I don’t eat them a lot. Cookies that taste good without dairy and a lot of sugar I think are great.
50. Say an answer to an unasked question (without telling us the question!). to go home.
Whew that was long.
Here’s to being alive and wondering what part you are supposed to play in the grand scheme of things – if you even do have a part to play, if you will make any impact at all.
Here’s to wondering why you never had a say in this whole being alive thing – why you never got to choose and how it was all just done to you, without your knowledge and without your consent.
Here’s to being scared of what will come afterwards, wishing you had some idea because it’s the not knowing that makes you afraid – not knowing when, not knowing how, not knowing anything at all, except that it is inevitable.