I think one of the things I was worried about when starting this blog is happening, has happened actually – several times. I keep getting busy with life and worrying about life that I forget to blog. That or I criticize my writing too much and end up leaving it in the drafts folder.
I keep thinking about my voice lately, or rather I’m hearing it. Just me. I keep hearing my voice in my head talking to other people, but there’s actually no one there to hear what I’m saying. And I don’t know where to put what I’m saying. I don’t know if I want to put it on my personal Facebook page. I don’t think I can do YouTube videos; I don’t have the personality for that. I also don’t want to do videos on Facebook, and I have almost no one on Snapchat so I think that’s kind of pointless. I always end up deleting my snaps before anyone sees them anyway – because I’m embarrassed of my voice. I don’t have confidence in it. That and I know I’m full of air. I don’t have facts standing behind me, just what I know of history and the present, which is very little, and what I feel about all of it. I don’t want to be another opinionated person just letting stuff go into the world, but I do want to speak and I do want others to hear. That was probably a part of why this blog began. I wanted to speak through my poetry, but then it wasn’t enough. It was too little, too inadequate, but then so were my words outside of that. I wanted to talk about my life, how I felt about things happening to me. I wanted to talk about my world, but mine isn’t the only one that exists and is also not the most important. It was hard for me to acknowledge this, but I have. I am not the only person in the world. I am not the only one having a hard time, worrying, dealing with issues related to family, education, or whatever else. Everyone is going through some sort of struggle – and not just one. Therefore mine cannot be foremost in others minds. However it is understandable that it is foremost in mine.
This doesn’t even have paragraphs. I haven’t even said what I wanted to.
I can’t always be responsible for other’s feelings.
That was it. That was what I wanted to say.
I need to stop this. I have realized how fragile life is and how quickly it can be lost. I still don’t understand my mother’s passing. The poor woman went to the hospital for a surgery she had had so many times before. She had gone home, but something was wrong. Now she will never see her grandchildren, if I or my sister have children. She will never see us get married. She never saw me graduate. She never saw my little sister turn 21. I bet she never thought she would not be around to see those things. My sister and I surely didn’t.
Why am I worrying about fleeting, minuscule things then, things that will not matter in a short while? The amount of energy I have wasted…
I want to live. I want others to do the same. My life is only mine. Only I will live with the regrets and the memories. I should create things I will have pleasure remembering. I don’t want to be old and look back at my life with regret. I want to like my life. I want to live it. I will never get to do this again.
I digress. I apologize.