Ruminations

rumination

Suddenly my mind is quiet, and on and off I wonder what it was that had caused me to be so uneasy. Why was it so big a deal that it had me worried and unsettled, that I thought I had to end it to feel better? Why now do I think that ending it may not be the right answer, but that continuing may not be the right answer either?

What I had wanted in the beginning was peace. I wanted peace from my worries and my unsettled feelings and he was the source of them all. I thought freeing myself from him would give me the peace that I wanted. Now my mind is quiet. My body is slightly less compacted. However, I am not sure that the peace I was after has come to me. I don’t know if peace is what I was really after or if it was freedom. Freedom to be foolish, without guilt. Freedom to be someone I am not, to try it out for a while and see how it fits. Why do I think I would have ended up regretting this though? Why do I think taking this path would leave me unfulfilled and sorrowful?

I wonder what it is that I think I need to find, what experience I need to have in order to …what? See that’s the thing. I don’t know what I want and this not knowing makes me restless and is potentially dangerous. I don’t know what I want, so I’m willing to try everything and take for granted what I have and turn myself into a fool under the guise that doing all this will make me a wiser human being, that it will teach me to cherish what is dear to me and stand firm in what I want and what I believe…

But a sea restrains me from testing out any theory I ever had. All I have is my mind and its noisy ruminations based on nothing but movies, dramas, and internet memes.

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