Learning Life

I suppose today I am forced to pour my problems here; My usual collection unit is closed for some reason and I can’t force it to open. It don’t know why it won’t work. I’m trying to make this poetic and I’m failing miserably. I’m seeing eloquence where it doesn’t exist and hoping for a future that will never come to pass. Maybe not never. That’s me trying to be poetic again; to stretch things that are ugly in an effort to make them beautiful, or at least appealing, to make them grand and overarching when in fact they are minuscule and would probably go unnoticed if it weren’t for my whining. Apparently my expectations are too high and I’m too sensitive, so I’m going around hating people – or people are thinking that I am – when what I actually need to do is not pay so much attention. But I was taught to pay attention. I was punished for not doing so and I’m sick of how much I write about being taught; it makes me look like some kind of thoughtless being whose only purpose is to follow orders, but that is how I was trained! I was told what to do and beaten or chastised if I dared not to follow these instructions. How can I not get upset when everyone else is disobedient and getting away with it and I never had that fortune? So now I’m trying hard. I’m trying hard to deprogram myself – to not care so much about what other people think or say, to not listen when I am told to do something that goes against what I think I should do, to stand on my own feet and listen to my own heart and live my own damn life because it is mine. Because I am the only one who hurts when I am unfulfilled from doing what I was told, from adjusting myself to the ideas of others even when I know they are misconceived. Why am I the only one who listens? Why am I the only one who follows the rules? Why am I the only one who cares? Why am I the only one asking myself these questions? Why am I the only who can’t say no? Why am I the only one who doesn’t rebel? Why am the only one who doesn’t just cut loose and live?