Solace in the Air

Into my thoughts I delve,
and I try to dig my way up
to the surface,
to the light,
but it is only
and always
temporary.
Only and always temporary
my heart beats
and my chest becomes filled
with heat.
I sit on the train
chewing gum
and listening.
Feeling my chest heat up
and wondering why.
I react
with no outward show.
I sit there
and let it happen,
only willing it not to
explode.
I walk out
from the store doors
into the cool air.
I decide
not to go back
on the train.
I pass the station
and walk some more,
maybe to the next one,
while I talk
to my brother
on the phone.
He’s four.
Talking to him should help.
I implode on the bus –
the one I ran to catch –
and I try hard not to let my tears fall,
not to let these strangers see me
leaking…
fear…
hate…
what?
I do it after I get home.
After I talk to my boyfriend
and he says he needs to shower.
I tell him to go while I do homework.
I start before he hangs up the phone.

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