It’s haunting me – and I don’t even know what it is,
When it started, or when I became afraid.
Maybe I was always afraid; I was taught to be afraid.
Being the good student I am, of course I learned my lessons.

My heart quivers when he speaks
And tears make their way down my cheeks
Before I even have a chance to think
And hear what is being said.
I gather everything inside me just
To say something back and the timid voice
That whispers is like a smaller self
Representing my fear at its utmost
Wanting to run and hide beneath
Whatever is closest.

But I stand there. I stand there and listen.
I stand beneath his thunder
His roaring
His loud, booming voice.
I listen
And I speak.
I speak
And I cry,
Then he asks if I’m alright
And I tell him I’ll be fine.

I lied,
But I could only be so brave
In one day.

One of Those Nights

It’s one of those nights where I feel lost and I have stuff to do, but nothing in my being is pushing me towards them and I’m thinking about this blog and how I haven’t posted anything in forever and how I’m supposed to look for a poem I wrote so that a friend of mine can use it for a project she’s doing. I looked though, but I didn’t find it and I don’t know how else to look and I don’t want to take the long way ’round.

I have to wake up in less than six hours and I have homework that needs attention, but all I want to do… is… nothing. I can’t think of anything. I don’t want to watch my drama. I don’t want to read my library loan. I don’t want to do my homework. I also don’t want to sleep.

But sleep I will, because I’m tired. And I have to wake up soon. I’ll cross it off the days I have to wait till the semester ends and I graduate. I hope to god I can get a job afterwards. This can’t have all been in vain.

Goodnight everyone.

Solace in the Air

Into my thoughts I delve,
and I try to dig my way up
to the surface,
to the light,
but it is only
and always
Only and always temporary
my heart beats
and my chest becomes filled
with heat.
I sit on the train
chewing gum
and listening.
Feeling my chest heat up
and wondering why.
I react
with no outward show.
I sit there
and let it happen,
only willing it not to
I walk out
from the store doors
into the cool air.
I decide
not to go back
on the train.
I pass the station
and walk some more,
maybe to the next one,
while I talk
to my brother
on the phone.
He’s four.
Talking to him should help.
I implode on the bus –
the one I ran to catch –
and I try hard not to let my tears fall,
not to let these strangers see me
I do it after I get home.
After I talk to my boyfriend
and he says he needs to shower.
I tell him to go while I do homework.
I start before he hangs up the phone.