It’s haunting me – and I don’t even know what it is,
When it started, or when I became afraid.
Maybe I was always afraid; I was taught to be afraid.
Being the good student I am, of course I learned my lessons.
My heart quivers when he speaks
And tears make their way down my cheeks
Before I even have a chance to think
And hear what is being said.
I gather everything inside me just
To say something back and the timid voice
That whispers is like a smaller self
Representing my fear at its utmost
Wanting to run and hide beneath
Whatever is closest.
But I stand there. I stand there and listen.
I stand beneath his thunder
His loud, booming voice.
And I speak.
And I cry,
Then he asks if I’m alright
And I tell him I’ll be fine.
But I could only be so brave
In one day.
It’s one of those nights where I feel lost and I have stuff to do, but nothing in my being is pushing me towards them and I’m thinking about this blog and how I haven’t posted anything in forever and how I’m supposed to look for a poem I wrote so that a friend of mine can use it for a project she’s doing. I looked though, but I didn’t find it and I don’t know how else to look and I don’t want to take the long way ’round.
I have to wake up in less than six hours and I have homework that needs attention, but all I want to do… is… nothing. I can’t think of anything. I don’t want to watch my drama. I don’t want to read my library loan. I don’t want to do my homework. I also don’t want to sleep.
But sleep I will, because I’m tired. And I have to wake up soon. I’ll cross it off the days I have to wait till the semester ends and I graduate. I hope to god I can get a job afterwards. This can’t have all been in vain.
Into my thoughts I delve,
and I try to dig my way up
to the surface,
to the light,
but it is only
Only and always temporary
my heart beats
and my chest becomes filled
I sit on the train
Feeling my chest heat up
and wondering why.
with no outward show.
I sit there
and let it happen,
only willing it not to
I walk out
from the store doors
into the cool air.
not to go back
on the train.
I pass the station
and walk some more,
maybe to the next one,
while I talk
to my brother
on the phone.
Talking to him should help.
I implode on the bus –
the one I ran to catch –
and I try hard not to let my tears fall,
not to let these strangers see me
I do it after I get home.
After I talk to my boyfriend
and he says he needs to shower.
I tell him to go while I do homework.
I start before he hangs up the phone.