Note to Self: Don’t Go Crazy

Oh my gosh I was totally going to write a poem right now, but then I opened my notes and found this one! I love when stuff I wrote in the past is relevant to my present.

I’m thinking unnecessarily
Working myself into a frenzy
About a future I never cared for
And now I fear more
Of these thoughts
Will plague me
Drive me insane – please!
Why can’t I just live
How I want to?
But that’s exactly the problem –
And these travel in tandem –
So many questions on hand when
I just want to be quiet
And live life in the moment
The present, to own it
Not hold a grudge over what’s been stolen
And continue to hold my wounds open.
Yes, I plan for tomorrow today,
But that doesn’t mean I should let slip away
All the precious gifts that are right now before me
Because I’m preoccupied with a cloud hovering o’er me.
And so what if it lets loose and it rains?
It will not be my first time experiencing pain
And just like before, I will be made stronger.
I will not die. I will only last longer.

I Just Need Foundation

I should be writing a paper right now, but I really want to write this quickly because it’s bothering me a little, maybe more than that.

I won a raffle two days ago and it was a target gift card. I was over the moon almost. A new Target opened near my school recently and it has flipping everything and it’s wonderful and I see myself shopping there quite frequently in the future. Anyway, I told myself I wasn’t going to use it on things I didn’t need. It just so happens that I need to buy a few groceries too, so I thought to myself that I’d use it for that.

I didn’t use it for that. Today I went to Target with a classmate and her friend, and I used my gift card to buy make-up stuff. In the past when I didn’t wear make-up for religious purposes I was glad it was something I didn’t do because I thought that if I wore make-up and jewellery it would just be more to spend on. Boy was I right.

About two years ago or so, a little before I stopped attending church, I started wearing nail polish. I love the stuff. I’ve actually been wanting to do my nails for the longest while, but I have no time to sit and do it and let it dry (and the other day I quickly put some on, thought I would get creative, didn’t like it, and had to wipe it all off). This year, this semester actually, I’ve become interested in make-up. I stayed away from it at first because the stuff I tried from my mother’s collection when I was little never looked good on me, and I’m kind of running into the same problem now. I don’t know why things just don’t go with my skin colour.

And I have dark spots under my eyes. They’re not circles. They actually have kind of a triangular shape and, according to my mother, they’re the result of me not listening to her and playing for too long in the sun when I was younger. I bought an eye shadow palette the other day and, using the instructions on the back, I actually don’t look so bad when I use it. My dark areas completely throw everything off though. They just ruin everything. I thought that foundation would fix the problem. I’m not really interested in using any expensive, ingredient filled product to try to remove the spots, so I’ve settled for just covering them with foundation or concealer or whichever one gets the job done. I bought both of those today. Neither of them do what I want them to. I actually like the foundation, but it doesn’t cover my dark spots, and I don’t know what the hell that concealer is supposed to be concealing because it just looks white as hell on my face. I think I mistakenly thought it would work with my skin tone. It looks like it’s for someone way lighter than me, as in someone white.

Anyway (I really thought this was gonna be quick), for weeks I’ve been thinking that all I needed was foundation to fix everything and make my face look okay and I’m going to spend my break from school in Jamaica and I plan to go out and I want to wear make-up when I do that and I really need to get this stuff so I can try it out and know what I’m doing by the time I get there and all I really needed was foundation and today I bought it, and nothing. Not really.

Then came the mean voice, you just need foundation huh? You just need foundation. I was trying to make myself not feel bad for buying this stuff, but now I’m feeling stupid for buying it and I’m like you don’t need foundation, you need to love yourself! or self esteem or something like that.

:(

I really thought I just needed foundation.

Maybe it’s not that I like, or feel comfortable, talking about myself, but that I have a need to be heard – because I never am. Because, for some reason, my words are always cast off, never heeded or considered worthy enough to pay attention to. Maybe I am inappropriately taking advantage of opportunities to share stories about myself, trying to use that as some form of therapy, because I can’t appropriately express these things to whom they do concern (translate – because I’m unreasonably scared out of my mind to even bring these things up) and because it’s too much trouble to actually seek therapy (and maybe I want to be strong and slowly take care of things by myself even though I’ve wanted actual therapy for years).

I know. I know I shouldn’t go around talking about stuff. I know I should talk to the people who are making me crazy in the first place. From experience, I know that talking about problems with third parties don’t make them go away and whatever relief they provide is extremely temporary. I should stop being a coward and speak my mind and let people know when they do things that bother me or seriously stress me out or genuinely make me upset, even if those people happen to be family members that I live with, even if those people were involved with my conception, even if those people pay the bills for the home that I live in.

I’m doing it again.