Fighting the Autumn Wind

My knees just gave out
Distinct sounds of their own –
Not in unison, but together
Mourning how long
I have stood.

How long I have stood
Waiting
How long I have stood
In silence
While being berated
How long I have stood
Hiding my tears
How long I have stood
Living in fear
How long I have stood
Smiling a lie
How long I have stood
Not being enough
In my eyes
How long I have stood
Being ashamed
How long I have stood
Wanting to be treated
The same.

My knees gave out
And I wondered when
My heart would,
As I looked through
The glass doors
Watching the trees fight
Against the autumn wind.

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My Mother’s Yellow Lap

I drew the most amazing picture yesterday. I had it in mind to draw something depicting this scene and couldn’t believe how well it came out. And to think I wasn’t in the mood to draw. I’m so glad I changed my mind and decided to do this. I only wish my mother could see it.

Among the Whispers

Her shirt is yellow. It’s the long one with the sleeves cut off. I think she said it belonged to her brother. She’s really short so she wears it like a dress. She’s sitting on my bed. The sheets are plaid, green. I don’t know why, not exactly why, but I lie down and rest my head on her lap. I turn my face towards her belly. It’s comfortable, and I cry there. I place my right arm around her and hold her. I know she’ll try to move me so she can look at my face. I don’t want her to. I hold her tightly.

She calls my name. She’s worried. I can hear it in her voice. My face is all wet now. My body is jerking. I’m not hiding the fact that I’m crying anymore. Doesn’t make any sense. She already knows. She keeps calling my name…

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It’s raining again, but this time I… This time I’m lost in it. Lost from it. I have no idea… I’m… I’m scattered within myself. I can’t find who I am. I don’t know who I am or where I am and I’m lost in not knowing this. I’m lost in this uncertainty and… What do you call this? What do you call this cluttered, disordered space? What do you call this…thing, this “not knowing”? What do I do with it?