Great News

I don’t know if I made mention of this – yes I did – but I’m going through my poems with the intention of getting a few of them together in order to publish an anthology. I’ve already had two single poems published by The Paper Plane Pilots in their online literary magazine, In-flight, and a coworker of mine also published two of my poems in a magazine he runs. Well, that’s the good news! The magazine is ready; I’m going to get twenty or so copies and I’m going to give them out!

Come to think of it. I’m only going to give out about four of them. They were published with my pseudonym, so I can’t just give them to people I know. Would any of you like one? I looked it up and I can mail things without putting my address on them. I’d put my name on it though, so you’d know it was me. What do you think?

Anyway, I just wanted to get it out there that this is happening. I’m excited about it and I hope I that this anthology comes together well and is received well also. I’m also incredibly open to any help or advice concerning publishing since I know next to nothing about it. Thanks in advance. I’d really appreciate it.

So, do you have any great news to share?

The Ways of the World

Always stopping myself
From living
Because I think I shouldn’t,
Because I can’t,
Because I have no right to do so.

Living is not something for me.
It’s not something I can do.
It’s something I must watch
And applaud
And congratulate,
But not participate in.
It’s not something I’m allowed to do.

I can’t dream either.
That is foolish of me.
That is not something I have time for.
That is a luxury,
Not a necessity.
What I need to do
Is submit,
To follow,
To listen,
To do as I am told,
To be quiet,
To go along with,
To be humble
And not bold,
Not my own person
With objections,
One who questions
The way things are.
I should be obedient,
Okay with not understanding,
And simply
Work hard.

But not at what I want to do
Or who I want to be.
I must work to be admired
By the eyes surrounding me.
It matters not
That I don’t believe
In what I’m told I should become,
Because in time I’ll surely see
It was the right thing to have done,
So whatever thoughts I have
Of living life how I see fit
Should completely be abandoned
And done away with.

There was nothing wrong with dreaming
When I was a little girl,
But by now I must have realised
The ways of the world.

On Next Year

I think I’m mentally preparing myself – either that or I’m just worrying – for the upcoming school year. It’s going to be my last year as an undergraduate student and I think it is going to be the hardest year of my life.

I’m going to be working two part-time jobs while going to school full-time and also interning for 16 hours each week. I have no idea when or how I will find time to do any homework or when I’ll sleep. I imagine myself drained, always drinking coffee which I’ll swear is useless but will drink anyway, and never having time for anything at all outside of the aforementioned. I don’t even think I’ll have time to make social phone calls, not that I do that often anyway. The other day I thought of letting my dad know how busy I was going to be so that he wouldn’t bug me about not calling him.

Today, on my way from one job and to the other, I envisioned myself passed out on the floor of my apartment. I missed work and school and was eventually found by a housemate and then taken to the hospital, after which my family was somehow found out and contacted. The vision goes downhill from there as my father endeavours to compile a list of reasons the incident is my fault.

I know. It’s a bit much. I’ve come to realise lately that my mind goes rather quickly to worst case scenarios.

Still, I really want to get over this year. It’s going to be hard, but at the end of it I’m going to walk across a stage and receive a Bachelor in Social Work degree, which I will accept knowing that I worked my ass off for it. At the end of the year I will have become a stronger person, knowing that I too can suffer hardships in life and overcome them.

Immaturity: A Coping Method?

I’ve watched a lot of Korean dramas. Most of them have been romantic comedies. Over time, I have noticed several trends among plot lines and lead characters. One thing I have always disliked is that the male leads usually behave immaturely when they’ve been hurt and, in so doing, hurt the female leads. I always get upset with them, thinking that they should behave in a more mature manner since they are grown men. I always think they allow themselves to recede too much into childhood when they commit hurtful acts, or say hurtful things, because something didn’t go their way, or because they got their pride hurt a little.

Now that I’ve written all this out, I realise my situation isn’t really the same, but today I found I disliked myself a little because I was refraining from doing something because of my hurt feelings. I thought that I was behaving immaturely, and I didn’t like it. I’m trying to avoid someone because I’ve been hurt by that person. I was hurt by that person because that person was first hurt by me, though not intentionally. That person can’t be avoided entirely though, as people who are very important to me are connected to that person very strongly. It is not my intention to ignore or avoid those people.

In the end I guess it comes down to my ability to handle my hurt and heal myself. I don’t know how good I am at things like that. It looks like I’m going to get a lot of practice though. I think I’m going to get hurt a few more times. Life seems to be like that.

SorayaJan. Fighting!!!*


*A Korean expression meant to encourage the hearer.

From 2011: Counting My Blessings

A list of blessings I came up with one Sabbath morning on my way to church in order to somehow lift my heavy spirit by making myself aware of all the things I had to be thankful for. It didn’t work.

1. I am alive.

2. Both my parents are alive.

3. All my grandparents are alive.

4. I have not lost a lot of close people to death.

5. Both my parents were and are a part of my life.

6. I have three siblings and all of them are alive and well.

7. I am not sick. I have never been admitted to a hospital. I wasn’t born with any major illness(es).

8. My body functions the way it is supposed to. Both my legs work fine and I can walk. I have both my arms and I can use them. I have control of my body, no part of it is paralyzed or has been amputated.

9. I eat everyday, more than once.

10. I have clean water to use and drink.

11. I have more than one pair of shoes.

12. I have clothes.

13. I have a bedroom.

14. I have a large loving family.

15. I completed basic, primary, and high school, and am now in college.

16. I have friends.

17. I know God.

18. I’ve never been physically abused.

19. I’ve never been raped or molested in any way.

20. I am not addicted to any drug.

21. I smile everyday.

22. I have a Bible.

23. I can be a Christian freely and openly.

24. I’ve never faced discrimination because of my race or gender.

25. I was not born and I do not now live or have ever lived in the eastern part of the world.

26. I have never been treated as a second class citizen.

27. I have hope.

28. I have a church to go to every Sabbath that is inside a building.

29. I have never experienced an earthquake, a volcano, or a tsunami.

30. None of the hurricanes that I have lived through have caused any major damage to my home or family.

31. I have choices, and a say in what happens in my life.

32. I’ve never been in a vehicular accident.

33. I almost drowned more than once, almost.

34. I can swim.

35. Even when the money was really low and my mother was clueless, God still took care of us.

36. I grew up with love.

Bouncing Thoughts

I have nothing to say and too much to say. A lot going on, but not enough. I’ve been hurt so much, though barely at all and I complain way more than I need to. I don’t know where this is going and I don’t know where I want it to go, but I want it to go somewhere, to go somewhere farther than here. I want it to be something more than just this. Am I talking about this post, or about my life?

I’m drinking a large latte with almond milk and a hazelnut swirl that I bought from Dunkin’ Donuts a little over thirty minutes ago. I felt like nursing a cup of coffee so I went out and got one, and then found it to be too sweet. I wished that I had bought a smaller size, or that I had gotten a caramel swirl instead of hazelnut, but I’ve been drinking the latte anyway.

In forty minutes I’ll be leaving work and I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do yet. I want to get two rolls of quarters so that I can do my laundry. I want to buy a dish drainer for the kitchen because as of today, there is none. I also want to buy two curtain rods because I finally bought curtains and I want to hang them up in my room. Oh, and I want something for my walls, or for wall. I’ve never wanted anything on my walls before. Not that I was thinking of getting that today, but I do want to get that.

Should I be worrying about money right now? I just came back from visiting my cousins in Florida and that trip cost a couple of dollars. I’m thinking – I’m going to Jamaica next month and that won’t be cheap either, though it will be nowhere near what Florida cost me. (I just spent about three minutes making sure I used the correct past tense of the word cost.)

The temperature of my latte is slowly going down. It’s not doing much to keep me awake. I’m writing though, and that’s always a good thing – unless someone reads your journal without your permission. In that case, I suppose writing is still a good thing. It is simply the act of invasion that is the opposite.

In thirty minutes I’m done with work. I need to make a decision by then. I suppose I don’t have to do anything at all today, but I probably will. When things find a spot in my head, they aren’t usually displaced very easily. My only concern is carrying the things I’ll buy. I’m not particularly fond of baggage.


I am bursting at the seams
With dreams and pain,
With anger, frustration and
I think of heaven with disdain
And awe.
I pray to God
And I renounce him.
I make plans for my future
While seeing nothing there.
I walk away from my past,
I sing on top of hills and mountain tops;
The ones I created from my hurt.
I am dying and being born again,
Rising up
From out of my abyss.