I’m an “I wish” person. I wish I could speak seven languages like Maya Angelou. I wish I could dance like that. I wish I was brave like her. I wish I read a lot, like him. I wish I had a flat stomach like hers. I wish. I wish I knew all that stuff. Wish I was as disciplined to teach myself or read about it or stay up to date on things like that. I wish I took better care of my hair, of my body. Wish I was vegetarian. Wish I was a strong person. Wish I had a strong will. Wish I wasn’t so interested in what other people had to say. Wish I didn’t have to do this. Wish I didn’t have to deal with that. Wish things were different. Wish none of this had ever happened. I wish.
I wish and then I remain as I am, not doing a thing to change my situation or my thinking, not doing a thing to get closer to the thing I wish I had. I don’t study the languages. I don’t practise dancing. I don’t try to think positively and go out and do things. I don’t try hard enough to read. I don’t work out so I can have a flat stomach. I don’t push myself enough to do any of these things.
All I do is critcise, and berate. I put down and shame. I do this to my own self. The self I am supposed to love and take care of. Sometimes, from somewhere within myself, I tell myself it’s all fine. I’m just going through a phase right now. I’m trying to “find myself” or something and I’m going to feel like this. It won’t last forever and I need to go through this as a person. Besides, those things I want won’t come easily. They won’t happen overnight. That person who knows that one other language has been at it for seven years. I just started! Of course I’m not there yet. Calm down. Everything will be fine. I’ll get there one day…
I keep wondering which one of these voices I should pay more attention to. Should I listen to the harsh one and do something, or the comforting one and take my time? There is a problem either way. The harsh one makes me feel like crap and that I should just die, but I think if I continuously listen to the comforting one I’m going to become a bum. I’ll always relax and just wait for things to happen and then nothing ever will.
I heard something last night. A song probably. It said “it’s a dangerous thing; dreaming”. Not sure if that’s exactly what it said, but it was something like that. I held that line in my head and let the rest of the song play. It was talking to me. I told my class the other day, while we were having our wrap up session, that I hope, but I don’t expect. I have what I think are big dreams. I don’t ever think they’ll happen, but I would love it if they did. If I could. This may be a self-preservation thing, but it saddens me as well. I’m such an in-the-box person that anything too far outside I look at as impossible. I only see them as things that can happen for or to other people. Not me. Never me. When people tell me go ahead, I say I want to. And I do want to. But it’s likely that I never will.
And these are the things that swirl around in my head. The whispers that my memory has made of the things I used to hear. That I couldn’t sing. That I was ugly. That I should do that. That I can’t. The laughter. The other children together. Isn’t it weird how I keep remembering things from my primary school years? I mean, I’m twenty-one. That was a freaking long time ago.
And I keep thinking I’m too old to do anything. To learn to play an instrument. To learn ballet. To take drawing lessons. People who do that start when they’re four. It makes no sense for me to even think about that now. Never mind that my family will laugh at me if I ever tell them this, and then ask who will pay.
That’s why I’m just wishing for now. And not actively either. I leave my wishes in the back of my mind. I’ll leave them there until I see a way for at least one of them to come true. Then I’ll work on it, I hope. I hate being a wishing person. I want to be someone who does things. If not for myself, then for my mother at least. She would have been happy to see me travel and learn languages and dance and eat healthily. She would have been happy to see my wishes come true.