I keep opening blank pages and then closing them because I want to write, but I don’t know what to write. I don’t know if should write rhetorical questions or talk about the terrible way I feel, or if I should just say that I’m really busy trying to catch up with the work I missed while I was away. Should I talk about missing my mother, or that I’m broke? What about that I don’t want to do any work at all? I just want to lie down and cry to sad music.
I read a post yesterday, I mean early this morning because I wasn’t sleeping yet, about how when you feel bad you can turn that into a blog post. I tried that. It didn’t work. I think I tried writing poem. It was going well at first, but then it veered off, and I saved it as a draft in the poetry category and closed the page. Today I opened a new post again and closed it before finishing the first sentence. This is my third try.
I had an argument with my boyfriend last night. I cried. I had been wanting to cry the entire day, but I talked myself out of it each time. I didn’t get any homework done all of yesterday. I tried three different assignments. I didn’t get anywhere on any of them. I’m never going to have my mother to talk to again. To complain to. To share good news and laugh with. And my assignments still sit undone waiting for me. And time is still moving. And I’m still sitting here.