Never Loved

It is only because I have never loved that I am able to love you now. That I am able to hold your face in my hands and kiss you like they do on television. Because that’s where I learned it. That’s where I learned to love. To kiss someone deeply, and to writhe beneath someone’s tongue. My body responds to you yes, but I am yet to feel anything real. Nonetheless, I remain still beneath your hands as they have their fill of my bosom. Nothing. Not even when the sounds escaped my throat. I don’t know how that happened frankly. I never did it with reason.

It is only because I have never loved, that I am able to let you hold me. Because I can’t remember the last time someone held me. Two lonely people being lonely together. That’s what you call us. And you say it with such ease. And I wonder if that’s something to be said so easily. If it’s a good thing that two lonely people decided to be lonely together. Selfishly, with no thought of the future. I wonder if it’s okay to do this. Simply because we were lonely.

It is only because I have never loved, that I can look at you and smile, and look at you smiling at me, and wonder at your boyish face. I am with a grown child, and because I haven’t loved, I let him love me, in whatever way he can. Only because I haven’t loved, can I stand before him, and let him look at me, like a prize won at a fair. Because I have never loved. Because I was never loved. Because I do not love, even now.

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2 thoughts on “Never Loved”

  1. We have been married now for 35 years…and your words make perfect sense to me as I read it just now. There are @ least two parts of each of us…the inner person (some would call it your soul and or spirit) and the outer physical body. Our bodies can naturally respond to a kiss, or a touch and yet in our inner world, there is a disconnect…even people that have been abused will second guess themselves after the abuse because their bodies seemed to respond to the abuse in an affirming way, while @ the same time, their minds/ hearts/ souls were crying out for the abuse to stop. Praying you find rest for your searching heart and a relationship with someone where both parts of you are engaged. You are a good person. DM

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