Epiphanies at Twenty: I Live Mostly in Retrospect

These days I’ve been finding myself, at the end of day, going over every detail – as much as possible – of something I enjoyed in the hours before. Actually it doesn’t have to be something I enjoyed, it just has to be something that impacted me strongly in some way. This therefore includes being hurt or offended by someone.

I don’t know exactly why I do this. For the good times, I’m trying to remember them, and keep that good feeling with me for as long as I can. For the negative times however, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t like being offended of course, nor do I like being on the receiving end of negative or harsh words, but I find myself going over these things in my mind, even long after they have occurred.

The first time I went roller skating. I relived the night when I got home. I did the same thing the first time I went ice skating. Last week I had my first real kiss, so of course I’ve been reliving that. The last time my father made me cry, I relived that too. I danced with a guy for the first time yesterday and I definitely have been replaying that in my head. I also find myself thinking a lot about myself when I was younger in Jamaica.

It’s my habit to do this sort of thing at night before I go to bed. I don’t review the day, just something good, or that I want to think about. I do it to make myself fall asleep – not that it works. Sometimes too, I go over things that have just happened. I just recently realized that I really do this a lot. If I’m not imagining some future occurrence, I’m thinking about something that happened before. Again, I’m not sure why I do this, it’s just something I noticed.

 

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