Last Minute Decisions

I should have brought my journal. I’m so dumb. I’m in Disneyland in Orlando, Florida and I thought I wouldn’t have time to write in it because of all the activities that I’d be doing here. With my luck, or should I say past experience, I should have known that it would have been the opposite instead.

We, my family and I, landed here some time before midnight last night. Of course it took us some time to get all our luggage and leave the airport. We had to go get a car and load our things in there, and then we had to make our way to the resort where we were supposed to stay. Let’s just say I liked the flight better, because then, we all knew where we were going.

We finally got to the place after two in the morning, after which our parents left us in the car to get some information. They left us all starving to go get information. Of course when they got back, my father with his smiling face, I asked if we were getting free food. Free? He asked me. Well then why was he smiling? No not free, but instead of sleeping tonight we were going to go clubbing and kill the night. This was a little joke of his. We actually just went to Denny’s and then Walmart. He was right about the not sleeping part though. We left Walmart some time after 5AM and finally settled down in the resort at six.

While closing the blinds and getting ready to go lie down and sleep, I noticed some blue light coming from underneath. Move the blinds, open the door, and the sun was coming up. I decided I wanted to watch that. I tried to think and I couldn’t recall ever having watched a sunrise so this morning, I did. Well not really since I was on my phone, and at one time I was lying on a chair that hid the view, but I did kind of watch the sun come up, and I took a picture.

Anyway it was quiet outside, on the patio or verandah or whatever you want to call this extra space out here, and I really wanted to write in my journal. I’d been thinking (worrying) a lot for the past few days, and I went to church this past Sabbath and had a nice long chat with a beautiful brother in Christ. Of course that gave me more to think about. Much of it I’d been thinking about already, but that talk just made me dwell on my thoughts a little longer. I talked with a sister too and I was also grateful for that. I was surprised and thankful to realize that adults in the church, especially one who had been in the church for a very long time, were feeling the same way I did. I thought before that no one there did and that I was alone in my struggle or whatever (I don’t like that word).

Oh and last Tuesday I went on my first date. Yay me. The guy goes to church on Sundays, but not every Sunday, just when he feels bad. He believes in God, yadi yadi yada (or however you spell that). Of course I was thinking about him and us and God and feeling guilty and just tired. And I was thinking about myself and God too, like I don’t do that everyday.

All of this is what was going through my head and what I wanted to write down. But I left my journal on purpose after deciding I would bring it with me. Last minute decisions. Tsk tsk. Anyway that’s why I’m writing on here; because I left my journal at home. I knew making this blog would be a good idea.

Checking In

I just thought I should tell you guys that I haven’t been posting lately because none of the three browsers on my laptop work. I have no idea what the problem is and every solution tried only works for about one night. For now I can only publish poetry from my phone. I need a proper keyboard for longer posts. If I strike it rich and am able to buy a new laptop, then I’ll be sure to let you know. Otherwise I’ll have to stay behind at work to use a computer, and who wants to do that? I mean I have, but I didn’t want to. Anyway, I’m in Florida. We’ll talk.

Carry Me

I like my eardrums 
Being pounded
By the bass in the music
Coming through my earphones. 
That is a feeling I welcome. 
More than I welcome 
Restlessness at night. 
More than I welcome 
Helplessness when I’m awake. 

I like sound to be silent 
Around me 
And filling,
Engulfing me
And carrying me on waves. 
That feeling of being moved
Is a welcome feeling to me. 
More than I welcome 
Floating in the endless 
Questions I ask myself. 
The endless questions
I ask God.

I like the quiet I find
In music
When it’s loud. 
The stillness I feel 
When I move 
To that strong beat. 

It’s Not the Wind

I want to think
That water is coming
To my eyes because
Of the wind so violently
Blowing against my face,
But in truth my heart
Is aching, and I can
Feel it, just as real
As a headache.
I’m not squinting
Because of the wind
Either. I’m hoping I
Can start seeing
Differently, that my
Eyes will decide
To side with my head
And let go
Of fairy tales. Reality
Stinks, and isn’t
Nearly as colourful,
But I need to look
At it. I have to
Look at it.

I am happy
For you who celebrate
The green of the trees
And the blue of the skies.
I am happy
That your eyes
Are able to see
The beauty in such things.

I am happy
For you who love
Without knowing,
Who disregard history
And take pleasure
In what is now.
I am happy
That your heart
Has the freedom
To do such things.

I am happy
For you who stand unmoved
As bricks of negativity
Upon you fall.
I am happy
That your mind
Is so peaceful
As to withstand such things.

I am happy
For you who are strong
Everyday, and who try
To teach others
To be the same.
I am happy,
Really happy,
That you are capable
Of doing such things.

She’s on the rooftop again, amidst the sheets blowing in the wind. They’re gray this time. Dark. Everywhere is dark. She’s the only one there. The man in the white suit is nowhere to be seen. Her hair is loose. So is her dress. She’s barefooted. Why is there no one here? Why is there no one here?