It’s the Sabbath, and I remembered it. I checked the time earlier for when the sun would set. I do almost every day. Because the days are getting longer now, I want to check to see how long.

I don’t know what to do. I think God keeps calling me – the way He always has, but I’m not answering him positively.

I think about all the things I have to give up to become a Christian – all the things I did give up. The main thing I don’t want to give away is myself. All Christians know that to follow or live for God you must die to yourself. That is something very hard and you have to make a conscious decision everyday to do it. Sometimes you may forget or intentionally decide not to, but that’s not the Christian way. You must die to yourself in order to live for or unto God. Decide not to follow after your own desires but to abide by the will of God. But God’s will is contrary to your own so you won’t want to live according to it. You’ll want to do what you want. This is why you have to decide to do it on purpose. You have to pray and ask God to help you not to follow after your own heart which can deceive you, but to go after God who is the source of truth.

I used to do this. I tried really heard to live according to God’s will. It’s really hard because almost none of it is what I want to do. The only place I felt comfortable was at church since the people there were trying to do the same thing as me. I wasn’t comfortable at home because no one there shared my beliefs except my sister. I had to be cautious everywhere all the time. No, I can’t eat that with you guys. No, I can’t come on that day at that time. I don’t know what song that is because I don’t listen to that music. No. I don’t watch television. I don’t go to the movies. I can’t lie for you. I can’t dress up with you. Please don’t put make-up on me. I can’t do that. I can’t go out with you guys today. No. I can’t drink that. I’m sorry.

I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I didn’t feel left out. I’m not a very social person anyway. Today’s music and television is mostly adult and explicit and that’s not something I like so I don’t mind not seeing it. Plus I was learning about the devil’s involvement in the entertainment industry and I was happy to stay away. I was just sad that I couldn’t talk openly about what I believed, what with there being so many people of other or no faith around me, and it wasn’t very American to do that. I’m not okay with offending people either. I absolutely hate conflict.

*  *  *

I don’t think I’ve dismissed everything I learned as false. I haven’t. I’ve just realized it doesn’t all make sense. It’s never all made sense. I’ve just been closing my eyes to it. And I’ve never liked doing that. It was like willingly believing a lie. Closing my eyes to something that didn’t add up or didn’t fit. It was from the beginning. But there were many things that did add up and that did make sense. I found those out. But slowly, more of those misfits kept showing up. And I couldn’t keep ignoring them.

There’s a picture – or meme – I saw on Facebook that has a Bible. The words say that the Bible is not a skittles pack (or something like that) and we can’t just pick out what we like and leave the rest. My initial thought after seeing that pi meme for the first time was that’s exactly my problem. It’s because I have to accept the whole thing that I’m having trouble. I have to accept those parts that don’t fit in, that contradict, that don’t make sense to me, that no one can explain to me. And what about the parts that were taken out? If I was to go back into this I’d have to go searching for truth again and I really don’t want to. It’s an exhausting thing to do.

I’ll be posting a follow up to this soon. I didn’t get everything out.

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2 thoughts on “”

  1. I hear you. I hear everything you are saying. I know that struggle, I’ve gone through a similar one, I am still trying to figure it out, that place I am in. I wanted people to explain it to me to, the things I didn’t understand, the things that didn’t add up, in my human mind. It is a difficult journey. Thankyou for being so open about it. People need to hear about the hard times, we do not always have pretty things to write. Working through faith is difficult, but you know what, I think that your working through it just shows how much you do not want to ‘settle’, I think it shows that you really do desire the truth, I think it shows that in the deepest parts of you, you really do want to know God, and not a religion. I don’t know you, but that’s what I heard in your words. Again, thankyou for being open, I am glad to know I am not the only one struggling.

    1. :) haha. Thank you for your comment. I was actually think about you when putting this up because of your comment on one of my previous posts. I will answer you question one day so just look out for it. And thank you for understanding. I was actually having second thoughts about publishing this because of the subject, but like you said, I knew someone else probably feels similarly so I just went ahead and did it. Again, thank you so much firstly for reading this, for understanding, and for commenting. It’s good for me (not the best way to express that but I mean I appreciate it and I’m glad you did it).

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