I don’t want to feel good. Feeling good is nice, and I like it. But I don’t want to cling to God because I want to feel good; about my self, about life, about anything. I can’t go to God because I need to feel good.

I also don’t want to cling to God because I’m scared: of Him, or of hell. I grew up scared, and now I hate myself because of how fearful I am. God does tell us to fear Him, and we should. But the fear we should have of God should include love and respect. I thought that my fear included love, but it didn’t. I was just afraid. And I had tried to make myself love God. I repeated it until it sounded true, but I know I lied. I was just afraid. I guess God and hell are things that should be feared, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to fear God, and I don’t want to fear hell. I want to make educated decisions, not decisions based on fear. I hate that. I don’t want it.

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