I think it’s strange that people are so polite. I’d prefer if they were sincere, so I could believe them.
When people act like that – polite and nice and smiley – I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know who they are.
I don’t know if it’s okay for me to tell them what made me upset yesterday, or if I can share some sad news I just received.
Can I tell them that I recently realized that I was being bullied in school? Or that I’m scared I’ll end up with someone like my dad because I know girls attract their fathers? I mean I love my father, and I think it would be great if I met someone who was physically similar to him, but I don’t want to be with someone who resembles him in personality. How about that I hate myself? And that I’m only now beginning to think I’m a little bit pretty, or beautiful or whatever? Can I tell them that?
What about questions? Can I ask them questions? Where and how did you grow up? Are you like me?
Probably not right? Thought so. Okay. Never mind then.
I wish we were all open so I could see and not guess all the time. I wish I didn’t have to feel people out, and wonder if it’s okay to reveal myself to them. I wish I understood them, and that they understood me. I hate having to be aloof when I don’t want to be. And I hate others not knowing when to leave me alone because I just need to be alone and for everyone to stop talking. And I wish they knew when I needed them, because I feel so alone in this huge place full of people and I don’t know what to do.