I’m not the hopeful type. Not optimistic, positive, or any such thing. Of course, it would be preferable for things to turn out the way I want them to, but I don’t think they will, not ever, or at least not any time soon. Now if I study for a test, and I know I studied well, I expect to get a good grade. The expectation I have for my grade depends on how well I know I prepared. There is such a thing as cause and effect. Certain things are bound to happen if certain things happen first. Fine. But let’s say after a certain action was carried out, the expected effect did not take place. In most circumstances, and I am thinking about circumstances that would be important, I don’t do anything. My father would try to get help from some authority figure and make efforts to have the expected effect occur. That’s great, but I just leave things alone.

Example. I was applying for an internship at a hospital but thought that something might get in the way of that. I spoke with the person in charge before doing anything. She said that I would be fine. Good. I apply for the internship, get recommendation letters, write three short paragraphs, wonderful. Only to have her call me and tell me that she has to consider that thing. The same thing she told me not to worry about. I was taken aback by that, but I never reminded her that she had told me it would be fine. I just left it alone. I probably shouldn’t have done that. I probably should have said something, but I didn’t. That internship would have been great. It was paid, and it was full time. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t really want it.

Another example. I’m in love with Korea right now; South Korea. I watch South Korean dramas (currently I’m watching a reality TV show) and I listen to South Korean music. I would absolutely love to go to Seoul (the capital of South Korea) and visit Jeju Island (off the shores of the mainland). I really think it would be great, and it’s actually possible for me to go over there. I think so. I could. But I don’t let that dream fill up too much space in my head because I don’t expect to it to ever materialize. I just leave it to float around in my thoughts.

I don’t know. I don’t think those things are for me. I grew up watching movies and seeing all the awesome things that happened to the characters: finding out that your grandmother is the queen of someplace and that you’re going to be a princess; having the popular guy at school actually fall for you; using physics to compete in figure skating; winning some thing or the other to go to a foreign country. I especially liked true stories, except of course if they were really sad (Lifetime), and I would always imagine my life being turned into a movie. Sometimes I would pretend I was on TV. I would stand in front of the mirror and talk like I was on a talk show or something, and I thought in my head that it would really be nice if these things really did happen. But of course I knew they never would. A lot of people entertain, and promote, the idea that everyone should “dream big”. I think that’s a good idea. Big dreams are nice. But they are still just dreams. Dreams never come true in real life, only on television. I think maybe I watched too much television when I was growing up.

I don’t believe in anything. I don’t have faith in anything. Instead of hoping that things will turn out well, I wait for them to fall apart. Like now. I’m waiting for everything to fall apart.

I’ve lost myself
In desperate seas
And pensive woods.
Wandering
With closed eyes
And arms outstretched.
Barefooted,
Climbing rocks,
Stealing away
From the hearts around me,
Carefully covering mine.

Words unsaid
Pierce my chest
And shock me
With pains
Ever so slightly,
No herald to announce arrival.
I bleed,
And breathe,
In between
Bouts of fever
And cold sweat,
Glad my mother can’t see me like this.

The wind is cool,
Tonight.
It almost pushed me over yesterday.
How many other things
In this world
Are that volatile?

Pizza, Plaza, Bla Bla

I saw PLAZA and thought it was PIZZA. That’s how much I wanted it. I was headed to Subway. I had seen their posters advertizing pizza of some sort. I had looked to see if there was a pizza place I could walk to but the closest one was apparently three days and an hour away.

Looking around I saw pizza somehow. I don’t remember if it was the word or a picture, but both were there. Right beside Subway was some place that sold pizza. I had never been inside before. I never had a reason to go inside.

A gigantic slice of veggie pizza with only three visible pieces of vegetables. Okay then. Whatever. I get to write in my journal outside at some place while I’m eating. Am I cool or not? Dream come true.

A bunch of people are walking around outside. It’s warm today. I’m glad I’m not home. One bite left on this pizza. I’m not eating the rest of the crust.

I thought I was going to walk around today so I wore my walking shoes. Turns out after going to one place I don’t need to go anywhere else. I’m going to see if I can buy headphones before I go home. I didn’t before because they’re expensive, but I don’t really care now.

I think I hear reggae! No. It’s Jason Mraz. Well the music is reggae so…

Time to go. My ears hurt.

It ran out too quickly; the love I had for the world, the trust and belief I had in people, and God. I think maybe that’s why I’m spending my life in denial right now. I wasn’t made to learn how harsh the world is, and how wicked its people. I wasn’t shown the betrayal and hurt that could occur among family members. … I didn’t know people would keep walking over me, because I was “too kind”, or “so nice”, or “a good girl”. … I didn’t know I’d be made to feel so often that I was stupid and not enough. … Why are people so mean? I hate them all. It’s better to keep them at a distance and yet I’m dying for one of them to accept me. I don’t like being alone, but I don’t like being hurt, and it seems if I’m not alone, being hurt isn’t something I’ll be able to avoid. So leave me alone then.

Just Because

Just because I smiled at him,
And he smiled back at me.

Just because he asked to meet,
And I agreed.

Just because I laughed.
He really was funny.

Just because he met my mom
And called her mummy.

Just because he asked me to marry
And I said yes.

Just because my dad liked him
And thought he was the best.

Just because we had two children,
Like married people do.

Just because I wasn’t the only one
Hearing I love you.

Just because I was tired
Of covering up my bruises.

Just because I didn’t want to hear
Any more excuses.

Just because I had two children
Didn’t mean that I would stay.

Just because he was my first love
Didn’t mean he should take my life away.

I think it’s strange that people are so polite. I’d prefer if they were sincere, so I could believe them.

When people act like that – polite and nice and smiley – I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know who they are.

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to tell them what made me upset yesterday, or if I can share some sad news I just received.

Can I tell them that I recently realized that I was being bullied in school? Or that I’m scared I’ll end up with someone like my dad because I know girls attract their fathers? I mean I love my father, and I think it would be great if I met someone who was physically similar to him, but I don’t want to be with someone who resembles him in personality. How about that I hate myself? And that I’m only now beginning to think I’m a little bit pretty, or beautiful or whatever? Can I tell them that?

What about questions? Can I ask them questions? Where and how did you grow up? Are you like me?

Probably not right? Thought so. Okay. Never mind then.

I wish we were all open so I could see and not guess all the time. I wish I didn’t have to feel people out, and wonder if it’s okay to reveal myself to them. I wish I understood them, and that they understood me. I hate having to be aloof when I don’t want to be. And I hate others not knowing when to leave me alone because I just need to be alone and for everyone to stop talking. And I wish they knew when I needed them, because I feel so alone in this huge place full of people and I don’t know what to do.

Sixteen Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Sixteen

Half and Half

110_1005991425174_1486_nI’m going to let you in on a few secrets.  It might make your life a little easier.

But I also know you don’t listen, so this will probably fall on deaf ears.

Right now, you’re in a bubble.  You are comfortable. You’ve been in the same place for your entire life.  But there are things you need to know.  It’s important to understand that when you grow up, your perspectives on things change.

You’re going to be mature as hell.

So stop spending so much time worrying about what other people think of you.  High school is only temporary, and you’re only going to keep in touch with about seven people after you graduate.  These four years of your life are nothing compared to the time you’re going to spend after college with new friends who are with you through the actual hard stuff.

You should still take…

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