I’m not the hopeful type. Not optimistic, positive, or any such thing. Of course, it would be preferable for things to turn out the way I want them to, but I don’t think they will, not ever, or at least not any time soon. Now if I study for a test, and I know I studied well, I expect to get a good grade. The expectation I have for my grade depends on how well I know I prepared. There is such a thing as cause and effect. Certain things are bound to happen if certain things happen first. Fine. But let’s say after a certain action was carried out, the expected effect did not take place. In most circumstances, and I am thinking about circumstances that would be important, I don’t do anything. My father would try to get help from some authority figure and make efforts to have the expected effect occur. That’s great, but I just leave things alone.

Example. I was applying for an internship at a hospital but thought that something might get in the way of that. I spoke with the person in charge before doing anything. She said that I would be fine. Good. I apply for the internship, get recommendation letters, write three short paragraphs, wonderful. Only to have her call me and tell me that she has to consider that thing. The same thing she told me not to worry about. I was taken aback by that, but I never reminded her that she had told me it would be fine. I just left it alone. I probably shouldn’t have done that. I probably should have said something, but I didn’t. That internship would have been great. It was paid, and it was full time. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t really want it.

Another example. I’m in love with Korea right now; South Korea. I watch South Korean dramas (currently I’m watching a reality TV show) and I listen to South Korean music. I would absolutely love to go to Seoul (the capital of South Korea) and visit Jeju Island (off the shores of the mainland). I really think it would be great, and it’s actually possible for me to go over there. I think so. I could. But I don’t let that dream fill up too much space in my head because I don’t expect to it to ever materialize. I just leave it to float around in my thoughts.

I don’t know. I don’t think those things are for me. I grew up watching movies and seeing all the awesome things that happened to the characters: finding out that your grandmother is the queen of someplace and that you’re going to be a princess; having the popular guy at school actually fall for you; using physics to compete in figure skating; winning some thing or the other to go to a foreign country. I especially liked true stories, except of course if they were really sad (Lifetime), and I would always imagine my life being turned into a movie. Sometimes I would pretend I was on TV. I would stand in front of the mirror and talk like I was on a talk show or something, and I thought in my head that it would really be nice if these things really did happen. But of course I knew they never would. A lot of people entertain, and promote, the idea that everyone should “dream big”. I think that’s a good idea. Big dreams are nice. But they are still just dreams. Dreams never come true in real life, only on television. I think maybe I watched too much television when I was growing up.

I don’t believe in anything. I don’t have faith in anything. Instead of hoping that things will turn out well, I wait for them to fall apart. Like now. I’m waiting for everything to fall apart.


Once Upon a Beard

I just fell in love
With a guy’s beard.

I’m not a beard person.

But it was so pretty.
It looked smooth
And soft
Like it would happily
Welcome my fingers.

I’ve never fallen in love
With a guy’s beard before.

I’ve lost myself
In desperate seas
And pensive woods.
With closed eyes
And arms outstretched.
Climbing rocks,
Stealing away
From the hearts around me,
Carefully covering mine.

Words unsaid
Pierce my chest
And shock me
With pains
Ever so slightly,
No herald to announce arrival.
I bleed,
And breathe,
In between
Bouts of fever
And cold sweat,
Glad my mother can’t see me like this.

The wind is cool,
It almost pushed me over yesterday.
How many other things
In this world
Are that volatile?

Pizza, Plaza, Bla Bla

I saw PLAZA and thought it was PIZZA. That’s how much I wanted it. I was headed to Subway. I had seen their posters advertizing pizza of some sort. I had looked to see if there was a pizza place I could walk to but the closest one was apparently three days and an hour away.

Looking around I saw pizza somehow. I don’t remember if it was the word or a picture, but both were there. Right beside Subway was some place that sold pizza. I had never been inside before. I never had a reason to go inside.

A gigantic slice of veggie pizza with only three visible pieces of vegetables. Okay then. Whatever. I get to write in my journal outside at some place while I’m eating. Am I cool or not? Dream come true.

A bunch of people are walking around outside. It’s warm today. I’m glad I’m not home. One bite left on this pizza. I’m not eating the rest of the crust.

I thought I was going to walk around today so I wore my walking shoes. Turns out after going to one place I don’t need to go anywhere else. I’m going to see if I can buy headphones before I go home. I didn’t before because they’re expensive, but I don’t really care now.

I think I hear reggae! No. It’s Jason Mraz. Well the music is reggae so…

Time to go. My ears hurt.

It ran out too quickly; the love I had for the world, the trust and belief I had in people, and God. I think maybe that’s why I’m spending my life in denial right now. I wasn’t made to learn how harsh the world is, and how wicked its people. I wasn’t shown the betrayal and hurt that could occur among family members. … I didn’t know people would keep walking over me, because I was “too kind”, or “so nice”, or “a good girl”. … I didn’t know I’d be made to feel so often that I was stupid and not enough. … Why are people so mean? I hate them all. It’s better to keep them at a distance and yet I’m dying for one of them to accept me. I don’t like being alone, but I don’t like being hurt, and it seems if I’m not alone, being hurt isn’t something I’ll be able to avoid. So leave me alone then.