Living Here

i contemplated leaving life.
going for a walk somewhere
and getting pushed by a vehicle.
nothing painful,
just a snap of the neck
or a broken bone –
enough to kill me instantly.

my most preferred way
is to fall in my sleep.
to close my eyes once
and never open them again,
but that will never happen.
i’m young, and healthy.

everything else possible
would be quite painful.
i’d wake up from it,
and i’d remember everything.
that would be too much.

i have to keep living then,
i can’t stop on my own.

i contemplated leaving this house.
i’d have to pay bills,
and buy food.
that means i’d have to work
no matter what,
but i still need to go to school.

that won’t work.
i want to be alone,
but i’m not ready
to be independent.
i’ll have to just stick to my room
for now.

i contemplated leaving the church,
but that just means i’d have to find another one,
or give up my saturdays to grocery shopping.
no thank you.
i’ll just stick it out until i can
come up with something else.

i contemplated leaving this country.
going to china for a few months,
learning the language
working for fun.
i didn’t have enough money.
the air there is polluted.
and that floated away on a cloud
as quickly as it came to me.

studying abroad.
how about it?
sure. as soon as i get the chance.

i contemplated leaving my contemplations,
but they have a way of keeping me still.


2 thoughts on “Living Here”

  1. “I contemplated leaving my contemplations,
    but they have a way of keeping me still.”

    What a beautiful line! Writing and contemplating are indeed such great therapies.

    Thanks for sharing this poem.

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