Why
Does time always
Evade me
In a game
Of hide and seek
I never agreed
To play?

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All My Saviors Have Died

All my saviors have died.
I am left
Alone
Squinting in the darkness
For light
I believe
I will never find.

All my saviors have died.
I reach
For hands
That can never grasp mine
For they have
Long ago
Faded
Into the wilderness.

All my saviors have died.
I am alone
Nursing my wounds
With blades for fingers
Wondering where
All my saviors have gone.

Waiting

Lost in sad songs
I feel my full bladder
And ignore it
Because there are other things
That are becoming too much for me

I check the time again
And it’s early enough
Still.
I think again
About all the things I want
And feel my empty hands:
None of them are there.

I roll over
And look at another spot on the wall.
I’m waiting for something –
For this night to pass,
This feeling maybe.

I’ve been waiting for a while.

December

A few months ago, I began a sporadic search for a therapist. I’ve wanted therapy since the ninth grade. I am 25 years old.

This week I fell sick. I was home for two days and during that time I was also…”suffering” from a really low mood brought on by what may have been a misconception of someone else’s attitude towards me. This is a pattern I have noticed in myself where my mood takes a sudden drop at the idea of someone being displeased with me in anyway. In my head, I know this is nonsensical, but the sudden drop in my mood always occurs as a reaction that I have no time to think about or any control over. I am always having to talk myself out of it, because I know it doesn’t make sense for me to feel the way I do, or at least not as strongly.

Today, after reaching out to several therapists in my area throughout the week, someone finally got back to me with a positive response – except I’m not really available when she is. I knew this would be a problem.

In any case, I’m writing this here because I keep seeing myself typing on a computer. Suddenly I want to share again – to no one in particular, to anyone who might happen to read this.

To you, whoever you are, I’m starting to do things with intention. Wherever you are in your life, don’t be too hard on yourself.

Hulu

I realise I’m alone in the world
As I lie on my right side
And feel my heart beat
While the light
From my scented candle
Flickers against the far wall.

I’m sick.
And this time I have chosen to rest.
Remedies, natural and otherwise,
Have not worked in the past.

I yearn for a body to hold
And realise there isn’t one
I can bring near me.

I keep watching Hulu.
What else is there to do?