Hello

The night is going to be a long and depressing one. I have zero motivation to complete this last assignment for this class I have absolutely no interest in, but must take as a program requirement. In addition, I have to complete a process recording for my internship – which is the only part of my life I like right now – by tomorrow morning.

Context – I’m in the second half of my MSW program and I’m getting tired of my classes, their structure and the one million and one readings they all come with. That, plus my job and the internship, which is a program requirement as well, takes up a lot of my time and energy and I just want it to be over and done with so I can sleep. Actually, I spend very little time on my classes because of how little they interest me. All I want to do is buy skin care products, eat filling, but tasty, food, and go out and dance.

Also, hi. It has been a very long time. I did miss being here.

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Just one time

The things I never believed in
Mock me now
As I long for their company,
Wishing they were real,
Knowing they’re not.

They laugh at my longing for them
And I listen in silence,
Knowing I still don’t believe,
Yet wanting them to embrace me.

Just one time.

Jealous of God

The tears fell without me knowing. I was wearing makeup, so I couldn’t swipe them away. As delicately as I could, I wiped away one tear and then the other. I reached into my bag for a tissue and dabbed away whatever was left. None of this was as discrete as I would have preferred, but the train was pretty empty and the three people sitting across from me didn’t seem to notice. One was sleeping.

I was on my way home and thinking. I forget what about, but I suddenly felt very alone and I was. My closest biological relative is my father. He is not, and has never been, a person I can talk to about anything. My brother is a child. My younger sister is terrible at conversations and my older sister is too far away. There was no one else physically near me. I then thought of the only friend I had made and kept in, throughout and after high school. She was still in Jamaica. It was when I thought of her that my tears stopped restraining themselves. At that moment I really wished that I could talk with her, in her room, on her bed, at the opposite end of the hall from her mother’s bedroom, in her house, up and across the street from mine. But then I remembered that she was now a Christian and I thought of how I would hate to hear her mention anything about god and his hand in anything going on. And then I felt worse. There was definitely no one I could talk to.

* * *

I’ve just finished a bowl of cereal and was simultaneously reading a section in an article on how a lack of social support in addition to constant stress negatively impacts a person’s mental health. I thought of my suspected depression again and how it might be a good thing to have it checked out. But then I thought that I didn’t want to know, because if I really did have it I would use it an excuse to do all the things I barely keep myself from doing now – like staying in bed, all the time.

I’ve been enveloped in a low mood that started off as exhaustion after making a few calls for work. I honestly felt physically drained – from making phone calls and talking to people. And then suddenly I couldn’t do anything productive. I couldn’t read my article or clean my apartment.

I opened the karaoke app on my phone and tried singing a few songs. To my knowledge I don’t have a cold of any sort, but my throat was not clear and I sounded awful and this plummeted me further down. Several times, I tried to get myself to do something else. I stayed on my phone. Even if I did change my activity, I didn’t do the things I needed to. I finally got annoyed with my singing and swept the kitchen, my bedroom, the hallway and bathroom. I wondered why I hadn’t done it hours earlier. What had kept me from simply getting up and doing it? I felt bad for only doing it then, for wasting all the time before on an activity I was engaging in to make myself feel better, but that had only made me feel worse.

While eating my cereal earlier and reading the article, I thought of the man I met recently. I thought of how my last boyfriend was my confidante and how having boyfriends be confidantes suck because when you separate, you’re left with none, which is why friendships are necessary. I thought about my friend that I’m meeting up with tomorrow. I had thought about her when I was sweeping. I thought of perhaps confiding in her about how I’ve been feeling lately, but then shook my head mentally. I rarely see or speak to her. She’s incredibly busy.

I thought of that day on the train and processed my thoughts about my high school friend. I imagined talking to her and thought she might immediately turn to god. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that in my mind she turned to god. I wanted her to listen to me and empathise with me and leave god out of it. I realised I was slightly jealous. I wanted my friend to myself. I didn’t want to share her with god.

Goodbyes

I’m not good at goodbyes,
but I’m not sure
how people do without them –

how they leave
without so much
as mentioning
that they are,
in fact,
leaving.

I think
they underestimate
the impact
they have on others.

I think
they think
they won’t be missed,

but they are.

They always are.

The end of the week
Is already here.
I’ve been waiting
Ahead of time.

The days no longer try
To hide.
I know.

There is now
No distinction
Between them.
The scales from my eyes
Have been removed.

This is all one
Continuum,
But one day
I will end.

It’s raining outside and I’ve never seen anything more reflective of my insides.
I still call them that, because I’m not sure I believe in souls, so I can’t say I have one.

It’s really fall now. Leaves have finally started decorating the concrete.
Nature in the midst of buildings. One jungle inside another.

There’s music playing on my laptop. I’ve never heard the song, but it’s beautiful.

The kind of beautiful I want to be when I grow up. The kind I can point to and say “puberty did that”.

But high heels and rain don’t go together. Neither does this new song with my mood.

Skip.

This one is okay. The tempo is a bit too quick, but I’ll leave it.

There’s purple near the ground and a colour like turmeric still hanging on to the limbs.

I hate when people stop outside the door. It makes me nervous. They can turn around and see me at any minute. I don’t want to be seen – not by them. I’m not ready.

It’s been raining for days, so I haven’t been able to wear my new sneakers. The running shoes I bought so I wouldn’t have an excuse, but that I’ve only used twice. I’ve decided to just wear them now. No sense in wasting a perfectly good pair of shoes.

A perfectly good life. A perfectly good day. Except is there any such thing? Was there ever any such thing?

To combat low self esteem you should look your best at all times.

Yeah – because that definitely works.

Because breathing is all I can do, I exhale and inhale through my tears, forcing myself not to think because combining problems won’t fix any of them and let’s not make this cry about everything wrong in my life. She is gone. It is unbelievable, but she is. And you did get lost today because you didn’t get enough sleep and you felt like a failure and you wanted attention from somewhere and couldn’t get it. Because the internet is not a person and notifications aren’t hugs.

It is okay that you forgot your class, because messing up five percent of your grade will not prove detrimental to your future or your well-being. You feel like you can’t keep track of everything at work, but it’s not your fault the office is understaffed and you are human. Please don’t beat yourself up.

She is gone, my love. And she loved you while she was here with all she had. Do the same, to yourself.

Please.

Love your body. It is the only one you have.