December

A few months ago, I began a sporadic search for a therapist. I’ve wanted therapy since the ninth grade. I am 25 years old.

This week I fell sick. I was home for two days and during that time I was also…”suffering” from a really low mood brought on by what may have been a misconception of someone else’s attitude towards me. This is a pattern I have noticed in myself where my mood takes a sudden drop at the idea of someone being displeased with me in anyway. In my head, I know this is nonsensical, but the sudden drop in my mood always occurs as a reaction that I have no time to think about or any control over. I am always having to talk myself out of it, because I know it doesn’t make sense for me to feel the way I do, or at least not as strongly.

Today, after reaching out to several therapists in my area throughout the week, someone finally got back to me with a positive response – except I’m not really available when she is. I knew this would be a problem.

In any case, I’m writing this here because I keep seeing myself typing on a computer. Suddenly I want to share again – to no one in particular, to anyone who might happen to read this.

To you, whoever you are, I’m starting to do things with intention. Wherever you are in your life, don’t be too hard on yourself.

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Hulu

I realise I’m alone in the world
As I lie on my right side
And feel my heart beat
While the light
From my scented candle
Flickers against the far wall.

I’m sick.
And this time I have chosen to rest.
Remedies, natural and otherwise,
Have not worked in the past.

I yearn for a body to hold
And realise there isn’t one
I can bring near me.

I keep watching Hulu.
What else is there to do?

Hello

The night is going to be a long and depressing one. I have zero motivation to complete this last assignment for this class I have absolutely no interest in, but must take as a program requirement. In addition, I have to complete a process recording for my internship – which is the only part of my life I like right now – by tomorrow morning.

Context – I’m in the second half of my MSW program and I’m getting tired of my classes, their structure and the one million and one readings they all come with. That, plus my job and the internship, which is a program requirement as well, takes up a lot of my time and energy and I just want it to be over and done with so I can sleep. Actually, I spend very little time on my classes because of how little they interest me. All I want to do is buy skin care products, eat filling, but tasty, food, and go out and dance.

Also, hi. It has been a very long time. I did miss being here.